I (48F Japanese) left Japan after high school and lived in Australia ever since. My family is all in Japan, including my school-age niece and nephew that I LOVE spending time with. I left Japan running away from my verbally abusive, shouty and alcoholic father. He's now in care and not living at home. I've always said if he's not home, I'd live in Japan. I went to a university in Australia, got a job, and then married an Australian man (10+ years ago). Recently, something drastic happened that made me realise that I married a copy of my father. Now we are going through separation and divorce processes.
We have no children together (phew) and so Mum wants me back home in Japan living near/with her. I'm currently doing a trial run visiting family and exploring how to make that happen… but I feel like a child here in my own home country. I am a Japanese citizen, an Australian permanent resident (skilled migration).
I have a few tertiary qualifications from Australia and have been earning $80k+ AUD annually. I know how to adult in Australia. But I don't even know how to open a bank account or get a driver's license here. I don't have friends I have kept in touch with either. My business-Japanese/Keigo is shocking.
I'm not a social butterfly so I find it hard to meet new people & I do miss my close friends back in Australia face to face. I find it easier to talk in English, and I struggle in Japanese trying to explain my ideas and feelings. I also eventually want to find a masculine man with an open mind to share my life with but I don't find Japanese men attractive at all (sorry) and if they don't speak English I don't feel like I could have a meaningful relationship with him.
I LOVE nature but there is none in this town – It's a grey concrete jungle as far as the eye can see. I'm used to having quick access to beaches and greenery. I made friends with Kookaburras in my backyard. They'd sit on my knee and take snaccs off my hand. I miss them immensely.
If I go back to Australia to live, I am sure I'd find stimulating work, access to nature, friends who know me, easier access to organic, high-quality food, and a spacious space to live, drive, and work. I feel much freer and more accepted over there.
If I stay here to live, I have family, a nephew and a niece. I don't have to worry about a place to live. Mum says she'd feed me, and give me a car so I can take her places (she doesn't drive). But I have no work history here… I cannot live off my family and be bored out of my brains either. We aren't near Tokyo or a big city like that so jobs that require English are scarce I imagine. I feel like I don't belong here – my brain feels like a mush trying to read kanji on letters sent to me from the city hall.
If money was no object, I'd go back to Australia – rent is SO expensive there, especially on my own… every day I change my mind about where to live… I don't know what to do or how to decide.
Your insight, opinion, experiences, good questions to ponder on and advice – all welcome. Please 🙂
by Ok_Difficulty6671
12 comments
I know some people place family above all but in this case you should seriously consider what’s best for *you*, what would make you happy. The overall tone of your post says “Australia”.
I’m sorry to hear about your situation— it sounds like a pain to deal with. I’m at an earlier stage of life and definitely can’t give much insight besides the subpar-at-japanese-even-though-i-am part. As you live here, you’ll definitely grow better into reading/writing as your brain retrieves buried knowledge. I have a few peers who work remote jobs, if your expertise falls under the fields that do so. JobsinJapan or CreativeTokyo, even LinkedIn, has some postings that might help.
Is it possible to sublet your apartment and try out living in Japan for a few months, to see what it’s like to spend a long-ish period?
Is there a viable way for you to find employment or income comparable to what you had in Australia? Are your skills marketable in Japan? Because if they are not then you are looking at a future as a minimum wage worker in Japan..?
It sounds like you’re at a significant crossroads, and it’s understandable to feel torn between two places that each offer very different lives. Moving back to Japan is a big adjustment, but you don’t have to figure it all out at once. Start small such as focus on learning practical skills like opening a bank account, improving your Japanese, and exploring local opportunities that align with your qualifications, even if they’re remote or part-time for now. Consider joining expat or bilingual communities in Japan where you can meet people who understand both cultures as it might help you feel less isolated.
If staying in Australia feels like a better fit long-term, perhaps explore ways to maintain a close connection with your family, like extended visits or even remote work arrangements. Financially, sharing housing or finding affordable alternatives could make returning more feasible.
Ultimately, think about where you feel most at peace and fulfilled. For example, it’s not just about logistics but about where you can thrive emotionally. Whatever you choose, remember that you’re resilient; you’ve already built a life in a new country before, and you can adapt again, wherever you decide to call home.
From the way you explained your feelings and perceptions it’s really hard to suggest you to stay in Japan. I doubt you will ever going to be happy in a place where you feel you don’t belong, don’t find the opposite gender attractive nor likes the scenery and other things
I think you kinda answered your own question. You have SO MANY pluses being in Australia, and a bunch of minuses for Japan, and only a handful of good in Japan. Life is more than “money” and it seems like you would be fine making it work.
I was going to move back to Japan, but then I decided I actually wanted to do more with my life than be an EFL teacher. It came down to money for me too, but going back to school and doing something fulfilling won out.
If your mom paid for everything, what would you do with your time? If you can fill it up, then go for it! Or at least try it for a bit. Otherwise I am sure you might feel underwhelmed and stifled. Also not being comfortable in the language will really limit your ability to become fully invested in life. You can gain fluency relatively quickly in the country probably, but it will be a culture shock.
If you’re going to stay in Japan, I highly recommend finding remote work in Australia if your skills/career allow. The time zones are advantageous, with only one to two hours difference.
Regardless of all the other pros and cons which you are probably fairly well aware of, cost of housing and living in Australia is not getting better soon.Â
If you can navigate the cultural and language barriers, you can most likely live like a queen here if you’re earning an Australian salary, and you won’t have to deal with the… challenges that come with working life in Japan.
I can’t say what’s best for you but I can tell you that feeling like a foreigner in your own country is pretty common in those situations, and from my experience you can’t really go back in the mould.
You can learn to find a new appreciation for your home country, but don’t expect to naturally lean back into it over time, that probably won’t happen.
It sounds like you want to move back for family, that’s admirable.
But if you move back you would be sacrificing most of the life you’ve built in Australia. I agree that the rents as a single in Australia are ridiculous.
Depending on your family situation it’s likely not appropriate to suggest, but would you mother consider moving to be with you? Living together near a city in Japan or even in Australia would make it easier for her to access services, help each other with the language and it would let you maintain your career more easily.
You would know this, but the career path at traditional Japanese companies doesn’t really cater to international experience. You’d probably find the most roles looking for bilingual roles aimed at expats in the cities. Unfortunately despite the current exchange rates, even in Tokyo an 80k AUD job doesn’t always equal an 8m JPY job.
In my opinion it would be difficult looking for a fully remote position. Companies tend to have policies against hiring staff who are fully based internationally. It’s also likely that both Australia and Japan would consider you a tax resident so it could get messy for you and your employer.
That sounds extremely rough, you have my sympathy.
You’ve just described a LOT of similar circumstances I see here in Kanagawa around the US bases here. Many international marriages.
It can be tough. If you’re not in Tokyo, id say find a place close enough to one of the bigger cities, or American centric zones so you can go out and scratch that itch when needed, but also be close to family. Best of luck, and enjoy your trip!
You were away from Japan too long to be considered Japanese, you won’t be happy in Japan.
Money doesn’t matter. You should go back to Australia. You sound too tired to fit into any new environments.