My partner (37m, Japanese) and me (37f, European) are considering marriage, and between life in Europe and Japan, the latter in many aspects seems to be emerging as a more sound option for us to start our future together. He’s got a stable job as a civil servant and earns enough for us to be comfortable there even on one income (although two incomes would obviously be a lot better lol). I’d probably focus on taking some Japanese classes first, and ideally I’d like to work remotely for a western company/lawfirm on a freelance basis as my skills as a paralegal specialised in the local law of my country aren’t really transferable from one country to another.
I’ve been to Japan a few times before and there were many aspects that I loved, so it’s easy for me to find the upsides of this. To get a more wholesome idea of the situation, I’d love to hear from other people about all the things they wish they’d known before making that move, what your biggest obstacles were, what kind of things caught you off guard etc. what did you find the hardest? What did you miss the most? What were the points that made you want to give up at times?
by Open_Platform2533
12 comments
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Live far away enough from your in-laws that you don’t need to see them all the time.
I would say language learning is easily the most difficult and frustrating aspect for me. Of course, it is a process that takes years. There is no real life in Japan without understanding Japanese…
I didn’t truly realize how much I would rely on my spouse and their family to help with the integration – insurance, tax matters, employment law, visa paperwork. Without their help it would have been very difficult to get through that aspect of life.
Before I came here I was naturally worried about discrimination as it’s a hot topic. I was surprised immediately by the fair treatment I received everywhere I went. Most of the time I feel I’m treated as if I’m the same as all the other customers or people waiting at the city office. Of course there are times when that is not the case but I’ve never felt it reached the level of “discrimination.” No one will ever be angry with you or rude to you for speaking poor Japanese. It’s like night and day compared to learning other languages like English or Russian where you need to develop a thick skin.
On the negative side, I was surprised by some parts of daily life such as: aggressive cyclists on the sidewalk, overcrowding, litter and dumping/burning garbage, lack of workplace safety culture. for me those things are a small price to pay to live in a safe and affordable country.
Totally different question. What age did you two meet? I’m 34, and I feel like I’m never going to meet someone.
I wish I knew how difficult is to leave things behind. In Japan I find really difficult to quit jobs, move apartments, even get rid of garbage or things in good shape that I no longer need like a TV or a stereo.
I wish I’d known that after living there for a while, I wouldn’t care about any of the stuff I left back home. Except for my pictures. I lost a box of childhood pictures. Everything else could have burned or disappeared, for all I care. None of that crap was worth anything to me after I moved back home nine years later.
I wish I’d been less immature and childish. I was young, but still. I wish I’d been more open-minded, more flexible–and I thought of myself as a flexible and open-minded person!
I wish I’d known that the “gaijin card” is actually not a bad deal–that I’d never integrate fully, and that it’s actually advantageous in some interesting ways.
I wish I’d known that learning to ask for help was going to be so important, and so difficult. I’m a Texan; we’re sort of known for our stubborn pride and “independence,” but this is a huge disadvantage in Japan (and the rest of the world) (and just generally in life). It’s good to ask for help. It’s important to ask for help. Most people are eager to help; they enjoy it and it will bring you closer.
Mostly, I was my own biggest obstacle. I got in my way a lot. I was overly concerned with what other Japanese people thought about me; always trying to fit in and assimilate in dumb ways that didn’t matter, and being “independent” and proud and dumb in ways that I didn’t notice, but cause me weird little problems.
“It’s easier to ask forgiveness than permission” became my partner and I’s motto after a few years. We were dumb foreigners, but we made things work, and did damned well. Been looking at moving back. Things in the US are… not so great.
Since I hadn’t lived abroad for an extended period previously, I missed my home country’s food more than I expected. So I would recommend learning how to cook your favorite dishes well, since you most likely won’t find an authentic version of them. And be prepared for the ingredients to be expensive and possibly unavailable.
It would also be ideal if you could get used to making meals using cheap supermarket ingredients, which tend to be things like bean sprouts and tofu. Making meals using “Western” ingredients can be expensive, even if you wouldn’t consider them specialty items. For example, high-quality cheese tends to be expensive.
Also: this gets mentioned in moving guides, but I’d make sure to stock up on deodorant, clothes and shoes (if you are above 24.5cm/EU 39) before moving. As someone who is US size 10 in clothing, it was surprisingly difficult to find clothes that fit me.
There were certain condiments that were simply not available in Japan, so I brought some with me whenever I made visits to my home country.
I’ll just give some practical advice. 1) bring original and translated copies of important documents like your marriage certificate, you’ll need it when you move into the city and visit city hall.
2) whatever you or your spouse puts down as your katakana name (or alias if you’re gonna register one), make sure you use the same name for everything. I help people all the time who run into trouble because Google told them one version they used at say the tax office but then their boss made it another version when setting up their bank account- now the names don’t match and it causes issues when proving ID or making account transfers and the like
3) check your city magazine, they’re called Koho and will have important info about taxes, big changes in the city, upcoming classes and events, etc. which your local international relations society might have events too
Japanese.
Well 40% of Japanese women are full time housewives and it’s a bit of a time capsule in many ways so make sure you guys are on the same page about these things. International jobs are few and very competitive and you’ll have much fewer career opportunities as a woman so unless you really need to live here I would suggest digging a bit deeper before taking the plunge.
Only the big cities have the extensive public transportation network. And even then, you will still probably have a long commute time.
Kanji- you can learn to speak conversationally fairly quickly but don’t ignore learning Kanji as much as I did. It’s far more difficult than hiragana or katakana but is far more pervasive. You will miss a lot of things because most things will be kanji only, so you would have to rely on a lot of google map searching and phone translation for everything. And even with phone translation, they can’t read the vast majority of the signs that use the handwritten ink brush style.
Take Japanese lessons if you can. Go in expecting no one to speak English at all, much less well. You may be happily surprised by some of the people you meet but don’t rely on it. Definitely get some practice listening and responding to shopping questions like- Do you need a bag? Would you like that warmed up? Do you have cash (aka cash only places)?
Look up a picture guide for the ATMs. There will often be an English language option but that system is very limited compared to what you can do with the regular Japanese menu, especially if you will be living there and have a Japanese bank account.
Idk how humid it is where you live but the fight against mold was a new one to me, as well all the things you have to worry about when it comes keeping the kitchen sink drain catcher clean. That thing gets gross pretty fast. I never had to deal with tiny drain flies before. Always used to be maybe a big housefly or two.
Is your husband a civil servant in Japan then? Are you currently living in the UK??
a major MAJOR cause of burnout and disillusionment among foreigners who move to Japan is the discovery that pretty much no one speaks English, and you really do actually have to learn the language to function at anything beyond a very basic level