Going to my first Japanese funeral ina few days and just wanted to clarify a few things. I know there's quite a few customs in Japanese funerals, and I know he was Buddhist so I imagine that means they'd definitely be observed? I'm basically just wondering what (if anything) I'd be asked to participate in? I know there's a part where they pick out bones with chopsticks and perhaps go to see the cremation, as well as a few others.
I know I'm going to all of it but I would imagine that not being directly related (or married to my partner?) that I will likely not be allowed or expected to do certain things? Any help would be much appreciated.
by Same_Platypus1629
11 comments
You won’t be expected to do anything if you didn’t know the deceased. It’s also usually only the immediate family members who attend the cremation. You will most likely only be attending the public part of the funeral.
Mostly sitting… you won’t do much.. when my wife’s mother died I was there for the cremation but didn’t participate in the moving the bones part;
one of her grandsons didn’t either
Obviously be respectful. There have been 3 deaths within my church over the past two weeks. I knew everyone one of them personally and all the funerals were for direct family only. And usually literally the following day. I’m actually surprised you’re invited.
As a foreigner you are not expected to know the funeral customs or rules. And I would hope someone will help you through the customs. I’m not saying you have a blank check to do whatever just know it’s a solum reserved event. Don’t gaijin smash some strong zero and get wasted, I know you wouldn’t do that but someone probably has.
There may be a fund semi mandatory gift to pay for funerary flowers and don’t be surprised if you receive a small gift in return. I have about three boxes of instant coffee from donating to pay for flowers.
Sorry I can’t be of more help.
Your funeral outfit should be black, wear covered black shoes too. They will bring you onto the parlour to view the deceased and ask if you want to put any personal effects (letters etc) into the coffin during cremation.
During cremation, you will get brought into a room with titbits and drinks.
After cremation is when the kotsuage takes place. This is for close family members, and they will ask for the family members who were closest to the deceased individual to go first. You will use a pair of chopsticks to pick out the bone fragment and transfer it to an urn.
I imagine you’ll be expected to offer incense during the funeral ceremony. There’s not really a hard and fast rule that you *have* to be a relative to do the bone passing part after cremation, so don’t be too surprised if they consider you family enough to join. It really just depends on the family.
Practice a full 45 bow and a somber face. Pretty important at these things.
Not sure where from but wear black attire
Talking from recent first time experience:
– dress code: black suite, black tie, white shirt (can be short sleeved, it’s almost summer)
– washing and preparing the deceased: you don’t have to assist or be in the same room. Everyone should be ok with you not being there if you feel uncomfortable. You might be asked to give a hand to carry the coffin to the car.
– otsuya お通夜: you’ll probably attend this ceremony with your partner and their family, as well as several relatives and acquaintances. It’s an open ceremony afaik. Best is to just imitate your partner or the other attendees.
Don’t eat the incense.
The long Buddhist prayers will be hard to understand. Don’t fall asleep to the monotonic rhythm.
– osoushiki お葬式: That’s the farewell ceremony, quite similar to the otsuya, but different prayers. The deceased will be given presents for their travel that will be cremated with them. In our case, grandma got sent off with lots of her favorite flowers next to her, along with her favorite sweets and letters from her great-grandchildren.
– pre-cremation ceremony (sorry , forgot the name): a small set of prayers and a final farewell, held at the crematorium.
– post-cremation: the ceremony where 2 family members place the remaining bones in the urn.
It’s long, longer at least than catholic burials, and you get pretty close to the deceased person’s lifeless hull. I hope you’ll manage.
Other people have answered the question pretty well, so just saying, if you’re in need of a laugh or a pick-me-up, Juzo Itami’s first film – all about Japanese funeral etiquette – is nothing short of wonderful: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Funeral_(1984_film)
Stay heads down and don’t say shit.
Turn off sumaho.
Worked for me.
My wife’s grandad died ….i hung back and followed her lead.
Lots of good advice here