Hello everyone! I've been studying for a couple years, and on my journey I've met some wonderful Japanese people that I consider friends. Initially I was on a さん basis with them, but things eventually changed and I don't know how to handle the situation regarding friends of friends.
One day one of them (a guy) dropped the honorific completely and I've been doing the same since (except when using くん or さま jokingly), and of course I use さん when talking about him in 3rd person. After a bit another one (a girl) started following through not using honorifics with me; me being a guy though not using honorifics with her could give a wrong idea, but fortunately there are a couple ways people refer to her that involve no honorifics. Think along the lines of girls adding a syllable or two at the end of their names to make it sound cute. There's a third one (another girl) who also doesn't use honorifics with me, but I had the chance to ask her something along the lines of 「好きな呼び方はどちらですか？」, to which she responded something like "well, everyone calls me ◯◯ちゃん", and I've been calling her that way since. So far so good.
The problem comes when I start interacting with friends of friends. If they call me using さん I feel like there's no problem using さん as well with them. But when they don't use honorifics I'm not sure how to talk back to them. IDK if it's because they talk to me in the same fashion as the three aforementioned friends, or because I usually introduce myself as トームって呼んでください (assuming my name was Tom) is giving the implication to call me with no honorifics, or if there's another reason.
How do Japanese people sort this things out? It would be kinda awkward if we're in a gathering and I start going one by one asking how they want to be called. If I use さん with everyone it feels like I'm trying to distance myself. If I use ちゃん or くん or other nicknames I'm afraid of being impolite by "forcing" closeness that is not there yet. I want to be friendly but not disrespectful, if that makes sense.
I tried searching about it in English, but couldn't find anything beyond the basic "chan is for cute stuff and girls, kun is for subordinates and boys, etc.". And I wouldn't even know where to start searching for that in Japanese yet.
by caaarl_hofner