That’s a very crazy question and it’s alright if people say that it’s not possible but I want to know if it’s possible to find someone‘s grave to pay her last respects.
I had a friend, she was Japanese but sadly she be committed suicide few years ago. I don‘t know if it disrespectful to visit her gave for a final goodbye. It used to haunt me because I know her mental state but I couldn’t do much because I live in Germany and don’t know how her life was in Japan. I used to blame myself partly for her death. Our friendship was never romantic but platonic but I felt understood at that time. Although I was born in Germany, my parents are also Asian (Chinese) and we would relate to academic pressure and norms. Not saying these cultures are the same but it makes it a little easier to understand the other side.
I never visited Japan and don’t want to come off assertive or disrespectful if I visit someone‘s grave. If someone told me it was inappropriate then I won’t think about it anymore. I’m also not traveling all the way only to visit someone but if I was visiting the country. My grandma insisted to visit her to show that I have not forgotten her and I do visit her grave.
I just want to ask if it’s appropriate and doesn’t come off as creepy.
by No_Kaleidoscope_509
5 comments
We have a faq about disrespect in general, https://www.reddit.com/r/japanese/comments/1cj3smf/faq_is_it_weirdoffensivecultural_appropriation_if/
But I think it only partially answers the question. That is to say, of course it’s not disrespectful to visit a friend’s grave as long as it’s done respectfully.
However, it is a sensitive issue, so how you handle it will be important and will depend on circumstances, especially your relationship with the family.
Also I’m pretty sure there is a public record of where people are buried so you could always visit the grave and do the usual graveside respects regardless of how much the family wants to be involved with your visit (though I’d hope they visit along with you and that it can help bring some peace to both you and them)
Although, other than leaving flowers and burning incense I’m not sure exactly what’s always done, what’s only done by the family, and what’s Obon specific but hopefully a native can help.
There is no public registry for cemeteries in Japan and there is no easy way to find information without getting in touch with the family, which I would advise against unless you are really well-aquatinted with them.
If it gives you any comfort, a grave is just a marker in Buddhism. The spirit of the dead do not “reside” in the grave and praying for them does not need to be a pilgrimage. In the end all that matters is the fact that you care
You could also pray for her at some temples if you do make a pilgrimage. Whatever will help you process her loss. If you reach out to her family, they might appreciate it or they might not, so I’d approach it with delicacy and respect their feelings.
in Japanese tradition, you can contact the family if you’re close to them. Often, families have a butsudan (Buddhist altar) or a small shrine at home where incense is offered to honor the deceased. If the family welcomes it, you may visit their home and pay your respects there—it’s considered a very respectful gesture.
I have done this a few times with a colleague.
Even if you don’t have access to her grave or family altar, you can still go to any Buddhist temple or Shinto shrine in Japan and offer a quiet prayer or incense in her memory.
I have a friend in your exact position, I thought I was reading her post for a second. She ended up reaching out to the family (she hadn’t met them before so not sure how she got their contacts) and they were more than happy that there were others still thinking about them. The family even offered her to stay over for a few nights before heading to the grave. She’ll be visiting in September so they’re still planning it out. If you can reach out to the family beforehand, it could be worth a shot.