I had a wonderful Japanese girlfriend in my life for a long time, since 2018. I really loved this girl. We got along well together and have spent a lot of time together, no real issues. We were talking about marriage, future careers, getting a house etc quite extensively. Just spent a month in my home country, and she came back here for two months to start a new job. I caught a plane into the country so I could sit the JLPT and get our plans moving.
Unfortunately she's only just told me after I've arrived that she's met someone new, wants to break up and that I can't stay with her family anymore. So now I'm completely alone. It's hit me like a truck and I don't know what to do. My whole life has been upended. I even had all these presents for her family that I can't hand out now.
Everyone here seems to be just going through the motions. Where can I go to connect with others or make friends? Really feeling lost and betrayed right now. Can speak Japanese if that helps. Sorry for the trouble.
by Relatablename123
37 comments
sorry to hear that. Hope you’ll recover from it.
Man, your ex is stone cold…
I’m so sorry to hear this and I hope things look up for you soon.
As for making friends, you could try meetups. If you like games, you could try the nippon gamers discord.
So, I don’t want to say this but she self-confessed she is a cheat and is convincing the other guy that she is loyal.
This lady would definitely cheat on the other guy too. Most likely that person would eventually find out the hard way more than you.
That really sucks and I’m sorry for your heartache. On the plus side this country is sooo much bigger than one lady. Just think about all the opportunity in front of you right now. If you are desperate to make connections I’d recommend staying in the busiest cheapest guest house/hostel you can find and just hang out in the common area trying to start as many conversations as you can.
Unfortunate for sure but be happy you were not married and had kids.
Hope you have some friends here bro but yes that sucks. I’m sure you can stay and land on your feet in Japan if you want – maybe a different city? I personally love 関西
Man, I’m really sorry you’re going through something this rough. No one deserves to be blindsided like that, especially after investing so much time and love into someone. I’m not going to give you the “plenty of fish in the sea” line you already know that. But I will say this: it’s best to let go of someone who could treat you that way.
Don’t let this push you into doing something reckless like drinking to cope. That’s not going to help. Instead, if you’ve got time in Japan, try traveling around. Visit smaller towns or less touristy spots someplace off the path. The countryside is beautiful and peaceful, and it might help clear your head.
If you speak Japanese, use that to talk to older folks you meet. The elderly in Japan have been through a lot and often love to share stories or offer advice. It’s grounding, and sometimes hearing about their experiences gives a different kind of comfort and perspective.
I don’t know how old you are, but I do know that healing from something like this takes time. It sucks now, but you’ll get through it. You’re not alone, even if it feels like it right now. We’re here for you.
Sorry you experienced this.
It is wise to take a few weeks to take stock and really think through the future. Depending on the person, the first wave of grief will often subside after 6-8 weeks, to be replaced by something deeper, but that affects less your ability to think clearly.
I am an older redditor, and am always happy to grab a beer, and help you find your footing.
Note that my japanese partner may join the drinks if she is not working. So you speaking japanese definitely helps.
Do let me know! Always happy to listen if you are ready.
Edit: grammar
What a dick move of your ex. Did she knew you were coming? I hope you make it well through your breakup.
That’s gut wrenching. I’m sorry you experienced it. You speak Japanese? How good? In Japan on a VISA? Maybe make the most of it. Fuck the bitch.
A Japanese girl did the very same thing to me…totally ghosted me. I guess it’s their way?
That really sucks, man. I gather that you are not working? What is your visa status? What was the purpose for taking the JLPT (I assume Level 1)?
Sorry for your relation troubles. If she can do that now, imagine what would have been possible in the future. Dodged a bullet I’d say. Painful I know but wow that’s so really horrible of her to do.
Sorry to hear that mate. I’m feeling with you but can’t give u any advise. Could y give us an update here how it went in a few weeks?
Sorry to hear that man. That’s gotta hurt real bad, not really a way round that unfortunately.
Sometimes when life throws up some intense bullshit like that you’ve just got to embrace the tragedy of it, no point trying to fix it, nothing to fix, just ride that wave and hang on when it gets rough. There’ll come a time when you look back on these two weeks with grace and acceptance, but right now you just need to go through the stages. Sending you love brother
You didn’t live together since 2018? To be together for 7 years and not hit any of the life stages you’ve mentioned is slow for a lot of women. I broke up with my last ex for not getting things moving like this. Really, really don’t want to throw salt on the wound, cheating is awful, but I’m just wondering.
There’s a lot of pressure on Japanese women in society to meet various life events by certain milestones.
Me being vindictive would still send her parents the gift with a note tacitly exposing what she did, and saying you wish you could have visited them properly
I have no words to ease your pain. All I can say is I’ve been through similar, nobody deserves such a betrayal, and I sincerely hope that somehow, someway, you can find peace and happiness
edit: I’m surprised how controversial this is, tons of upvotes *and* downvotes lol
Sorry to hear that dude.
Enjoy the country. I hope you manage to find some joy over there.
Be kind to yourself..
This is unfortunately all too common.
Many Japanese women have boyfriends during college or while living abroad, but once they start working, they often leave that part of their life behind. That usually includes the boyfriend. It is usually accompanies by a hair cut, which people around her signifies a break-up.
The plans you made together were likely tied to her student-phase dreams. If you were overseas, you may have also been a kind of emotional safety net, something familiar she held onto until she returned to Japan.
It is cold, no question, but it is not entirely unexpected. And for what it is worth, lots of Japanese men do it too. It is actually pretty rare for relationships to survive the transition into working life.
The chances of her coming back are, honestly, very slim. Sorry.
Is her new partner a foreigner too?
You were in a long distance relationship other than the month she spent with you?
I’m sorry but she wasn’t loyal during all that time. While living separately she at least was dating around in order to have met someone she’s confident enough to tell you about. She may have known him for 6 months or more I would guess.
At this point just totally block her from your life and don’t even reply to messages or calls.
Sorry to hear that. But you know what, be glad it turned out this way. It might not feel like it right now, but you’re better off without her. The way she ended things tells you a lot about her character. Consider yourself lucky. Life goes on and you will meet someone else down the road, someone that wants to be with you and you only. And that’s something great to look forward to if you ask me.
Very sorry to hear that, must have been a terrible shock! As someone else said, your ex is stone cold. So in the big perspective, rather after six years than twenty!
Same happened to me, after almost 8 years together. It was 12 years ago and I’m still having a hard time recovering (very difficult when you were convinced it was the right one). I hope you will recover sooner!
Sorry to hear but that a part of life that has happened to virtually everyone. Good time to man up and to find happiness on your own. More codependency is not the answer
Try Timeleft if you’re up for socializing. Depends on your area, but I was in Tokyo for 6 months and met some really cool people. It’s not a dating app, but it pairs you with 6-7 men and women for a dinner reservation every Wednesday.
Sorry to hear about your situation. That was beyond rude of her to just spring this on you after you had already invested time, effort and money to move the relationship forward. If she can suddenly throw away a 6-year relationship headed towards marriage, then chances are that she had this “new” guy around while you both were together. You are definitely better off without her. Thank goodness you didn’t end up marrying such a heartless woman.
She belong to the streets
Never reach back out to her. Please go no contact.
In the meantime, go enjoy some delicious food.
People in Japan are nice.
I see you are in Kansai.
If you come to Kanto/Kanagawa, I’ll look after you.
move on and don’t look back. many good women out there
She may have been getting pressure from her family to find herself a Japanese husband and settle down. Even if the family appeared to like you, accepting a foreigner into the family permanently can be a whole different thing.
Good luck on the exam. I only ever bothered to write the JLPT3 and that was pain enough.
Sorry to hear this and am sending you the absolute best. I have to say, it’s pretty remarkable to see all the people here offering to meet with you and I think that’s a bright spot in an otherwise sometimes lonely world. Hate the circumstances but I’m sure you’ll end up on the right side of things.
Lots of supportive people here. That’s really nice to see!
You’ll be okay. You are young and as you mentioned still putting the pieces together. Sure you got a lot to work on, that doesn’t change however old you get or wherever you find yourself in life.
It’s okay if she couldn’t see the final picture or ride it out. You do you and keep going for whatever it is that drives you. If what drives you is someone else, well, that’s no good.
Give yourself some time to grieve, then refocus and keep on moving!
I’m sorry that happened man. It’ll make you a stronger person in the end. Keep your head up bro and focus on yourself + keeping who you do have close
What a bitch!
She managed to Hide him very well until she couldn’t.
So sorry, OP. You’re stronger than you know.
With things like this sometimes it’s the shock of someone not being who you thought they were and realising they were capable of such coldness and cruelty.
Even though it’s a horrible situation I hope some good can come from it in the form of you exploring Japan, albeit not in the way you expected.
You could head out to Kamakura on the coast. The vibe there is quite relaxed and informal and friendly. There’s a beach, the sea and walks etc. Great place to grab a beer.
If you have time to venture on the train down to Nagasaki, I found that to be a very warm, friendly and interesting city.