So, have 2 kids (6 and 2yo) and well, title says it all. This is when people will tell me I have 0% chance for the usual reasons but I'd really like to try and make it my life mission for the greater good. First, shared custody will be introduced in 2026 I hear. Tbh I think I should have full custody as wife has severe depression, has been months on end unable even to get out of bed to wash herself, let alone look after the kids. The only thing that seems to give her energy is her hatred of me, so every now and then she'll have a manic episode and start packing suitcases for her and the kids.
Needless to say, but zero violence, cheating etc from me. Push comes to shove she could probably claim I drink too much, but never to the extent that it harms anyone else. She hasn't consistently gotten out of bed in the morning for the past 5 years, so getting kids ready for school etc is all on me. She takes all kinds of counselling and therapy but without any lasting effect. She relies on me for emotional support because she claims to have zero friends or family she can trust. I do my best but am also often an emotional punching bag and have my limits. One stray comment can set her off and she's back to lying in bed all day.
I'm not perfect. I'm a bit of a guy-guy so my cooking and attention to little things isn't great, but I have extensive experience now raising both kids 100% on my own and tbh find it much harder looking after my wife on top of that. I'm not afraid to seek support from friends, and even her mother (though she would want to kill me if she knew her mother was involved because they hate each other).
I guess evidence is key to make my case, but all I have are screenshots of LINE with me asking how she is, whether she could get out of bed today (while I was working), and her saying things like もう無理、疲れた、早く帰ってetc when she has to be with the kids alone, even just for a couple of hours. I also have the record of her 5-day solo trip away to recuperate while I looked after the kids (while juggling work) with zero problem. She's refused to actually be tested/diagnosed for depression as she says she did that in her 20s and was given medicine that really screwed her up.
I don't know how this shared custody would work tbh. My wife would probably prefer to move far away from me (and her mother who lives nearby) but doesn't want to part from the kids. But the reality is, we live in subsidized staff apartments in the private school where I work, which is objectively an ideal place to raise kids, with so much support, stability and security. We're pretty poor so the alternative would be the kids living with my wife in a shitty little 2DK. There is a strong argument for my place being their main residence. Yes, I'm a foreigner (NZ) but of course have my PR, N1 Japanese, teaching licence, tenured position, decent salary, can pretty much deal with life in Japan like a Japanese person, including taking kids to the doctor, communicating with their teachers etc. She on the other hand works just 2 hours a day (reduced from 4 because she said this was too much even though both kids are in school 8hrs a day). While ostensibly the primary caregiver, she is unable to do anything herself sustainably and always needs me to come home from work early / use my lunch break to help. I can't imagine how she'd raise the kids independently and the thought terrifies me.
I work flexible hours so can arrange with my work to have time to send/pick up kids from school if she's not there (often she's mentally “not there” anyway so it wouldn't make a big difference).
I probably sound harsh here but this is 5+ years of torture and I'm starting to reach my limit. Believe me I've tried everything with her, even counselling myself, couples counselling etc. I snapshotted all my LINEs with her and it's all supportive messages from me (of course in person too). I'm not one to kick someone when they're down so I'd be perfectly happy to split custody 50/50 amicably. I doubt she'd extend me the same if she had full custody though, so I feel I have to be proactive.
If anyone's been through similar I'd like to hear about it. Do I lawyer up or is it still impossible to come out of this with custody? I really can't bear the thought of leaving my kids to her because I fear they'd be neglected and shouted at most of the time. I don't doubt she loves them in her own way but she's got a pretty shitty way of showing it sometimes. She can be really nasty when she's at her limits, like getting out a rubbish bag and throwing away all the kids toys (even new Xmas presents) because they didn't tidy up? (Luckily I intervened and calmed them down after wife had stormed off).
I'm really keen to know how this law change in 2026 will work but can only find news articles that give superficial detail. I'd hate to be a guinea pig for the new system if it didn't go my way. All I hear are stories of misery and failure around this topic and I hope shared custody can turn this around. Any thoughts or similar experiences (although pre-shared custody) would be really valuable to me.
by schokoladehomunculus