I have been studying Japanese for over a year, yet despite being fortunate enough to have nothing but time on my hands, I am still having to go through the tedium of looking up–then forgetting and having to relearn a frustrating amount of words. It is getting better, and it is certainly nowhere near as bad as Day 1, but it is a restless process.
Cumbersome though that may be: Input is not the real reason that I am making this Post. I already know that my Output sucks, however there are apparently layers to how much I suck. I joined a certain Server because I wanted to learn how Native Japanese People actually speak so that I could at least have a chance of attaining some manner of Native-Like Output Proficiency, however I unfortunately made the grave mistake of trying to participate in the conversations (which I initially never intended to do).
The good news: Well, they were glad that there were people out there trying their best to be able to communicate with them!!! …Aaaand, if you are also a learner who has found yourself in this position, I am sure you know exactly where this is going… Fortunately(?) I haven't been 上手'd, however I have had my Japanese indirectly referred to as 拙い, and even with Native-Vetted Corrections and thousands of Anki Cards at my disposal, my attempts at Frankensteining together Japanese to communicate eventually sparked a discussion on how my "Translation App" seemed to be effective at reading Japanese, but "had some issues" when it came to outputting it, and I couldn't even really refute it (i.e.: I literally couldn't do so, as–setting my embarrassment aside–a response for that quite literally wasn't "in the Cards"). Even if I had said 翻訳アプリを使用していません or 翻訳アプリを使用しているわけではありません （どちらが正しいかを全然分からない！）, that would just be placing a bandage on a leaking Ship; My Japanese sucks; They know that it sucks, and I know that they know that it sucks–and I don't really know how to fix it.
Being able to read certain things like Manga is certainly fun, but when "having fun" is the only thing that I have the ability to do: Pleasure itself becomes the torture. I feel like an NPC who has no power to interact with the world around them as it passes them by. Seeing individuals like Matt vs Japan, Dogen, or This guy reach impressive levels of competency via their studies or immersion sows the seeds of inspiration, however realizing that I have the Japanese Level of a (foreign) Baby without any of the clemency or resources that a Baby is subject to, makes me wonder if I'm actually doing anything, or if I'm just wasting even more time that could be spent doing something else. That is not to say that I actually feel like giving up, however it feels like the more fluent I become, the more fluent I realize I may never be.
Is there any way to not suck anymore? Continuing on like this with a limited ability to actually engage with others feels analogous to watching a Social Media video with the comments disabled: It just doesn't have the same effect. At what point does Japanese Study stop being "fun" and start being productive?
I suppose that I have said my piece on the matter. I don't know if I will ever be able to interact on those Servers at a similar level to their own; I hope that my studies will yield the results that I desire, but I am woefully uncertain.
Has anyone else struggled with their own feelings of discouragement? Your reasons may be different than my own, however I would like to hear how you're navigating through it.
by Throwaway12r5b