TTokyo

Some advice for the people posting “Im so lonely in Tokyo but can’t speak Japanese, what do”

  • October 7, 2025

  1. Yes, Tokyo is a great place to be a nerdy introvert or do solo activities without looking weird and is attractive for those sorts of expats, BUT you do need regular in-person social interaction for your mental health even if you prefer your alone time. I learned this the hard way as an introvert here during COVID. At first I thought, "Wow, this is great, it's socially acceptable to be holed up now" and yes, I could go weeks on end with just video calls and without meeting anyone and it wasn't excruciating for me like it was for some people, but I did notice I was getting loopy during long stretches without in-person interaction. There's a reason solitary confinement is controversial. Treat socializing like it's something you need regularly for your body like hydration or taking vitamins. Sure, you can live solely on cup ramen, but eventually your body is gonna yell at you, and it's the same with socializing.

  2. Just because you're an introvert, that is not an excuse to come here with no social skills whatsoever. Some people do come here because they think they'll fare better with less social obligations than their home country and it's a big mistake because their socialization may have been "built-in" due to their culture and they have to actively manage it by themselves now and they don't know how. Also, introverts have a limited social energy battery, not poor social skills, and this is not the country to live in if you suck at socializing because your own survival will depend on it especially if you're alone. That being said, if you do suck at socializing, the next best thing you can do is go to an open international party, poke around and see who has a mutual hobby that can be talked about for a while, invite them to do hobby-related stuff and gain social skills from there. Or skip the party and just go straight to an open invitation hobby meetup. Shitty social skills can be fixed, even if it’s through trial and error. And "someone–anyone–talk to me, I'm so lonely" gives off desperation which people tend to avoid. Try not to do that.

  3. You aren't going to like this, but being "on the same wavelength" in terms of Japanese language skills and years spent as a resident is also a factor for finding foreigner friends who will want to hang out with you. Not everyone will be super-extroverted and want to chat with foreigners from all walks of life like those guys at international parties or the Hub. Simply being a foreigner who speaks your language and happens to live in Tokyo are not sufficient conditions for that person to be your friend. And I'm sorry, but it's not fun for me to hang out with someone where I end up spending most of the time being their personal interpreter or need to read restaurant menus for them or I'm unable to invite Japanese friends too because they can't carry a group conversation. At parties, I tend to tune out uni students who have only been here a year and gush on and on about how Japan is "paradise on earth," but I would be inclined to talk to someone who is able to go to Japanese-only live events or movies without issue or has lived here as long as I have and can grump about manager bureaucracy in a Japanese company. Someone else who is "on the same wavelength" in terms of how excited they are to be here running around Akihabara and Shibuya or exploring with the same language barrier you have is more likely to be sympathetic and have better compatibility.

  4. Hobbies. Hobbies and sports. And no, just "watching anime" or "video games" or "reading books" are not hobbies conducive to making friends and it's lazy to list those when someone asks. That is maybe a 2-minute "oh that's nice" conversation at a party. You need to specify a certain title so that maybe someone can invite you to go to a collab cafe or fan katsudo or game cafe or tourney or book club or a museum art exhibition together. I cannot for the life of me understand people who move here and do not have any hobbies and then whine that they have no friends. This country is nothing but hobbies. Even among Japanese people as an adult, hobbies are like, the only way you can connect with other strangers in Tokyo, or you get married and move on to the next stage of life. Hell, even the ossans golf and go to ball games with other ossans. Join a hobby circle, formally introduce yourself at meetups, and be present and contribute in that community is the standard way to make and keep friends here, Japanese or foreigner.

  5. Assume that all of your foreigner friends will leave someday. It's not a definite, but just assume the immigration status for a lot of people here is a short-term 1- or 3-year visa or unstable if they lose their job. Friends will leave or move on with their families, and you will have to restart the cycle of finding new friends–that's just life in Tokyo, I've done it multiple times. I'm not saying don't build meaningful relationships with people, just acknowledge the high possibility that students will return to their country after graduation, unemployed people will return to their country after 3 months of unsuccessful jobhunting, and a good chunk of people get sick of Japan by the 5-year mark whether due to stagnant salary or building a family or other reasons. There must have been at least a hundred foreigners I've met and hung out with in this country who have returned home and the majority are “done with Japan" and don't care to talk about it anymore.

  6. r/tokyosocial would be the first place to go if you are just starting out looking for friends. I've only had positive experiences at the meetups posted there when I feel in the mood to go out and meet new people. It's also easier to pick and choose what kind of meetup you prefer than say, walking up to someone point-blank at Hub or going to an international party.

  7. Please PLEASE continue to learn verbal Japanese and try to make an effort to find Japanese friends and interact with Japanese people–yes, do mental health maintenance, but don't keep yourself in the foreigner bubble on purpose. You really need to pop it at some point and assimilate with Japanese society if you plan to live here long-term. People who say they don't have hobbies and whine they don't have friends are equally as irritating as the people who live here and refuse to learn Japanese and have absolutely no intention to interact with Japanese people at all. It's detrimental for the sentiment toward immigrants here, especially right now.

by Fable_and_Fire

31 comments

  2. tldr

    fix yourself before coming to japan as it won’t fix your problems

    learning japanese is not mandatory but it will greatly enhance your experience

    with all the caveats that come with it alcohol (or alternatively shisha) is the social glue especially in tokyo, it is a good way to make friends and removes part of the tatemae. hobbies also work but you’d need a good level of japanese for that

  4. If ur lonely and can’t speak Japanese in Tokyo just go to gaijinmart on a weekend (I’m ready for the downvotes)

  5. btw when people say “you should learn Japanese because it will expand your experience” that actually means that your experience is significantly expanded *while you are learning it* i.e. you ain’t getting nowhere if you don’t learn to enjoy babbling at people

  6. I’m a super extrovert and speak fluent Japanese, and am still lonely lol

    More of a Tokyo thing from what I gathered, and don’t have this problem anywhere else I go. Most of my friends have the same opinion so it is what it is

  7. People are making frivolous comments on the post. I don’t understand why. OP seems to be serious, and is giving good-faith advice

  8. Japan is the best place to experience culture shock, I always say. And that means being ready to accept that experience as well, instead of expecting everything to go peachy dandy. It’s not an easy place, but you also reap the rewards if you put in the effort.

  9. I agree that Japanese language ability makes a difference, but I don’t get the pissing contest between foreigners about how many years they have been here. Today I met MULTIPLE foreigners who have been here 20+ years and “don’t speak Japanese” and can’t read fucking katakana and hiragana. It will be difficult to be friends with such a person as that is a huge mindset difference. So yeah, I don’t give a shit about how many years someone has been in Japan as it doesn’t mean much about how well they have integrated. I also know a guy who has been here a year but has N1 and can communicate just fine.

    For the same reason, I am more likely to hang out with people with regular jobs vs English teachers or military for the same reasons (language skills and integration).

  11. I read all of it. I was not looking for this post specifically or anything just came on my feed. And I have to say you have written a very detailed experience feedback.

    I am planning on going to Japan this April-May so I can use some of what you say.

    At 32 years old maybe it is late to settle in Japan or not I can’t say for sure since I have seen and read here that people older than me do settle there with hardships of course. But I can still enjoy Japan as a tourist hopefully :]

  13. I almost speak no Japanese and all of my friends here are Japanese (10+ people – mostly different friend groups), some of which barely speak English.

    I think most importantly it comes down to your personality and the other person’s willingness to accept a language barrier.

  14. To chime in with the hobby aspect: as much as I adore reading and listening to music, they’re not hobbies. They’re pastimes, and, for me, the best. Hobbies are things you have to study and can become better at.

    I also have the hobby of making music and like to play the piano most (and have even played in public). As much as I like piano, however, it’s never helped me make a single friend because my piano is at home when I’m out. I can only play a few chords and pick out (not really play) melodies on mandolin, but a mandolin’s small, portable, and distinctive. You always meet more people simply by having the visible accoutrements of various hobbies. Tennis is better than swimming; guitar is better than organ; embroidery is better than sewing on a machine.

  15. I think there is a general misconception of what is an introvert. An introvert needs social interaction just like any other humans. They just need different social interaction.

  16. Thank you so much for this very helpful explanation. I’m also looking forward to being able to work and live in Japan, so I’m learning the language so I can communicate and establish some relationships there. I want to study it well enough not only to get by in my daily life, but also to understand anything without any problems, and for the other reason I’ve already mentioned.

  17. Even talking with Obasan cashier at your local supermarket can be a good step if you are introverted. Remember, you’re not Japanese and even if you plan to live here, you’ll never be Japanese so don’t try to act like the “typical japanese person” you imagine. You can smile to others people, it can open many doors.

  18. I’ve been here for 20 years, speak fluent Japanese.

    Everyone is just so damned busy. So many people refuse to make plans unless it’s the weekend, and then they end up booked out for the weekend anyway. Or we make plans and they cancel the night before or day of, and their next free day is 3 weeks from now. It’s incredibly frustrating.

  19. Depressed post, depressive view of life, depressive advice. I am sorry for you although there are bits of sound advice there.

  20. If you like video games, depending on what kind of game you like, get good at online mahjong. Then you can go to a real brick-and-mortar jansou and there are always people to talk to there.

  22. I truly agree with you, especially with the paragraph #2.

    Every time I see a post that goes something like, “I’m very introverted since I was a child, not social in my country, have trouble building relationships, probably have social anxiety, and prefer to be alone. So I think Japan is the perfect place for me! I must move there. How can I?” I roll my eyes.

    Based on my own experience and stories I’ve read online or heard from others, most people like that type start feeling isolated within weeks of arriving in Japan, fall into serious mental distress within a month, and some end up fleeing back home after just a few months.

    I wish all of them should read this thread before applying for visa and booking a flight.

  23. There’s also the bit which applies just about anywhere on the globe which is that you need to pursue your goals, because it’s anything but given that they’ll come to you. You might have the planets align and things fall into your lap by pure chance, but it’s not something that can be relied upon.

    Every step of the progress I’ve made in life, social or otherwise, has been because I either pushed myself or someone who saw my potential pushed me. You have to put yourself in positions where good things like making new friends are more likely.

    If you’re in Japan (or anywhere you’re not native to), you’ve already done this! Just keep it up.

  24. My advice: Don’t listen to redditors, this platform promotes a negativity bias towards basically everything. And yes, I’m aware of the irony in me posting this comment.

    Go out in the real world to Meetups, local places, and other international events while learning Japanese. Find ways to pursue your hobbies while living here.

    Be in a positive mood while going out and talk to strangers with a smile on your face. You’d be surprised at what this could lead to in life.

  25. As an introverted foreigner I never had any issues making friends. I think that people need to understand that making friends requires work (a tremendous amount if the person isn’t fluent). I can’t read too well, I’ve never formally studied Japanese, and most of what I know was learned through watching anime with subtitles as a teen but I put in the effort and have the ability to hang out with local friends 1 on 1 with the occasional help of Google Translate. I fuck up all the time when speaking but my friends appreciate that I’m still trying my best and picking up new things with each interaction.

    I’m big on the creative/art scene since it’s tied to my hobbies and it’s not too hard to make friends as long as I put myself out there and avoid isolating myself. I just have to be careful not to only surround myself with people that speak English.

    My best advice: comfort is a crutch, always strive to improve and do better outside your own personal comfort zone.

  27. It really bothers me that Japan has a tendency to attract so many socially maladjusted people 

  29. Japan is rich in cultural hobbies. If you want to meet people immerse yourself in martial arts, ikebana, origami, tea ceremony, kimono dressing, kanji calligraphy, etc. It’s the best way in my opinion to take advantage of being in Japan and close to the experts. You’ll learn something, meet people, and get outside.

  30. I see this is a long post but for me there’s a simple solution for most of this in japan. That has very quick payoff. My 1st tip is makes friends online who will actually hang in real life even if you don’t knkw japan translation apps make that 1st part the easiest but always always learn Japanese is so ideal even a few words. Watch videos with people socializing and see what works.

  31. Love this.

    Learning Japanese is essential if you want a social life with any group besides other expats here.

    Also being introverted doesnt mean you dont need to socialize. Its not about being shy or not. 

    The best description of extrovert  vs introvert is that the real difference between the two is what activities require energy and what allows for rest.

    For extroverts, being social is how they relax and regain energy. For introverts, its chilling at home.

    But all people need to socialize to some extent to be happy.

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