I have no one to talk to. So, I’m posting here instead. I hope you won’t judge me for loving this much even though it’s wrong now.
This is gonna be long but, I lost everything for a boy.
Only left with a tiny bit of self respect, a shrinking sense of self and deafening sound of isolation. I'm 24, I fell inlove with an Uzbekistan boy and been with him for 2 years. One month into the relationship he moved in with me since I live on my own, and in a blink of an eye this boy had become the center of my whole existence.
It doesn’t help that I have been all alone too with so little interaction with my family. Another thing I’m healing from, I guess it had become a big factor on how I became too emotionally independent on him.
I'm aware that I'm heavily trauma bonded, he beats me, that at times I felt like I'm not being treated like a human. He kicks me on my head, he pushed and slam me on the wall, when he gets jealous, one time when I was harrased by a customer and ended up bawling my eyes out on my way home, he blamed me for it. He would dragged me to the floor, he would slap my face until my whole mouth bleeds, until I was begging and screaming from the pain and the trauma and the shock, and this had been the case with my primary care taker too when I was younger. This happen too often, sometimes it drives me to thinking of ending my life instead.
But the making up part feels like a drug. Mistakenly feeling I was being loved, that he might hurt me in all sense but atleast he won’t abandon me. Not like all of my family who had done it. Until he has to when his family make him choose between me or them.
And it’s killing me that I had given everything just to be abandoned again. Ironic how I let everyone close their door on my face just to keep him, including my own family. And when it comes to me, he would to crawling back to his crying mother who takes pity on his situation here in Japan since he’s on refugee visa now.
A year into the relationship he began to constantly micro cheat on me, using my part time job-working in a girl's bar as an excuse for this. My work etiquette is not malicious, I'm just playing smart & fishing connections.
I had sacrificed everything. Lost a friendship, my whole family exiled me since I kept forgiving him. Got into a debt, paid his tuition he never paid me back, lost a place be the neighbor reported us regarding domestic abuse, lost devices I invested on for my own business so we can afford housing. Had to support both of us because his visa does not allow him to work.
We were supposed to get married so he can get a long term visa here in Tokyo since I'm a resident. I agreed to it, as pathetic as it sounds, I love this boy with all the fiber of my existence. And I know deep in my bones that I should not, and should have ended it as sooner before I was too deep in this grave. But one call from his mom, asking him to come back to his country. He had cancelled all of our plans and how I worked so hard on securing him a place in here.
And I probably dodged a bullet. It’s probably a divine intervention.
I know I'm probably the most stupid girl, but thinking about the separation makes me heavily depressed. I recently saw his phone's history, looking for a girl to pay for s*x and to invite in our home. He video chat random girls, talk to them affectionately, everytime I'm at work at night. My standards were usually high when it comes to men, only that this one successfully isolated me from everyone that I have become emotionally dependent, too much. Too late that I realized he got his hand wrapped around my neck, controlling my whole life.
At this point I feel like I have ptsd, and trauma bonded and depressed that it is destroys me in all aspects, everyday.
How do I get out from this alive when we are both living in the same roof? I'm usually a very confident person but even now, it's being destroyed. I have many ambitions too, but the level of my anger everyday is killing me, physically too. My family won't let me stay with them, I have nowhere to go but here.
The hardest part is how I can’t make up my mind. And how it hurts to see imagining ending things up with him. That now I can’t even trust myself. That he’s all the life I’m breathing, yet an inhale of it feels like a stab in the stomach, it feels like being killed again and again.
Please don’t judge me. Please be kind to me with your comment. I just want to be loved right and i’m going through a very hard time right now.
How can I survive and make it out alive from here? Please help me. I think I’m traumatized.
by Extension_Worth7882