Throwaway account because my wife knows my profile. Not trying to make secrets but to learn and get some insights on the Okozukai topic. My wife is Japanese, we are living in Germany at the moment but may relocate to Japan in the next years. Right after the marraige she proposed me of the idea that she has a look on our finances. I work full time, she is doing housewife work and we also have a baby now. Just so we can save some money and keep track. So every night I send her all my expenses and she tracks everything in her book. Just recently she showed me some charts on how we should reduce our expenses and try to safe some more. Especially, surprise surprise, my entertainment/hobby costs are too high. Now she asked me to be a bit cautious to only spend xxx€ until end of month.
Now by accident I found about the term of "Okozukai" and that it's quite common in Japan. What we do now is a very light version of it, I assume. Since i don't get an allowance or such. I wonder if there are husbands with experience: Will this, at some point, end in the classic allowance Okozukai? lmao. I mean with current way i'm totally fine and I'm glad someone has an eye on the expenses. I'm just a bit worried that later she makes it a bit tighter. Especially once we move to Japan. Not that I'm totally against it, I just kinda wanna be prepared and know whats coming.
by tiefkuehltony
4 comments
I mean, do you and your wife discuss and agree on finances? Because generally okozukai is because the other party is not involved in the finance at all and it’s just expected that the Yamato gods put money in their wallets at the end of the month.
Some don’t and just agree that there’s a budget, and anything over that amount becomes a mutual conversation.
So for myself and my wife, anything under a 5man purchase is fine and nothing of a discussion needed. Day to day budgeting is mostly set, reconciled at the end of the month and anything abnormal we discuss. We specifically set limits so didn’t have to deal with the whole okozukai bullsh1t.
I find the guys that take their okozukai and afraid to ask wives for money, yet bitch and complain at work about it amusing. Especially in industry where salaries are 18m+ jpy a year.
I dont think there’s a universal ‘norm’. If you’re not fluent in Japanese her taking over finances in Japan makes logistical sense.
Its never been a thing in my relationship because for so long we were so poor it was superfluous. Now we have money, its just common sense discussions. But we’re both very frugal and gave similar attitudes toward money, so there is that.
It sounds like you should probably have a chat with her and find out her expectations and share yours. Inter-cultural marriages bring with them these kinds of gaps in understanding and finding healthy ways to navigate them early on will be enormously beneficial to the relationship.
If you aren’t financially inclined and don’t see a clear path to live comfortably in retirement, then the Japanese wife’s shepherding of the family’s expenses is by far the best way to not stress out about money in your future. So many marriages break up or become unhappy when money is tight. She is seeing the future.
Discipline now, or regret later. Those are your only choices.
She is thinking 30 years ahead. When your earning potential will drop off. Many guys can find it hard to see 1 year ahead, let alone 30.
My advice would be to move to a full okozukai system. Hand your paycheck over, and get her to give you an allowance for your discretionary spend. Each time you get a pay rise, negotiate your allowance, nicely. Track your personal hobbies, see if you can find ways to cut costs, if its non-negotiable and you need x, then have long conversations of why that is important to you.
If your hobby becomes your kid, in theory that comes out of a different budget she has allocated. So can become a way to have a hobby while saving your allowance.
Helpful is working to percentages. What percentage of your income is reasonable to spend on your hobby versus percentage on saving? Also if you have agreement on % going to allowance, in theory your allowance goes up with each pay increase.
But if you want a good life in your golden years, when you can’t earn as much, encourage your wife to handle your finances. Worth it.
If you are happy with the system now then that’s fine, but you should be aware that obsessively regulating the other person’s spending is controlling/coercive financial behaviour and just slapping a cultural label like “Okozukai” on it doesn’t justify it.
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