Hello. I am writing this after being calmed down by my wife, and now I have clearer head without being too depressed. So I hope I am writing this not under temporary emotion, but rather an objective observation. And I'm asking here on what practical action I can do.
This week is new year holiday (happy to it!), and my supervisor (SV) has texted me and called me over and over again since the beginning up to the end of it. I was asked to submit document A, to update spreadsheet B, to send file C during holiday. I actually ignored it, because I know that last time during summer holiday, my supervisor also had texted-called me over and over, and how it went was horrible hurtful phonecall on my side, so I don't want to have it again. I am telling all this not because I do not want to be disrupted during my holiday (which is bad, but not a big deal for me), but rather I would like to talk about the kind of communication we had about a year of my study in Japan, as reflected by phone call last evening.
My research is international-level project involving 2 countries. We made reactor in other country, that we have to manage everyday. So we have to send people from Japan to that country in shift. However, at the present, my residence card is expiring and immigration has not yet updated it (still in process), hence I believe it would be impossible for me to go out-of-Japan yet. So, since during holiday no one can go, my SV has to take the role itself. SV spent holiday there.
However, SV was mad over the phone last evening because no one can go next week except me, and even so I am too unable due to residency issue. SV blamed me for my mismanagement on updating my residence card (which actually because of this research, as I had to go to that country to build reactor during 3-months before expiry, and hence I couldn't update it in Japan). SV blamed me for not responding to chat-call. SV blamed me for no contribution at all. Even so, SV has threaten me that first-authorship of this reactor of mine will be given to someone else in that country who has joined ONLY of its maintenance just recently. Now that crossed the line, I believe.
Previously, 1st-semester of my PhD was spent on building a reactor. About 2-3 months were used on synthesizing complex polymer that no one in lab was able to (they really tried without me, but always failed). I had optimized components and characterized it, I had designed the AutoCAD drawing of this reactor myself (which again, turns out no one in my lab of engineering was able to, lol), I had spent 6-months of tiresome overtime works up to midnight to built it. And all that was gone just because I could not go to that country and not responding message during holiday, and a friend of mine which I personally asked him to help us join maintenance will be given of authorship of reactor I built?
Now thats only one part of thing I faced here. There were tons of it. Weeks ago, I had PPT presentation, I used Canva with literally just basic designing. SV blurted hurtful words, "We are scientist, not artist". SV blamed me for wasting time on focusing on beautiful design rather on its content, "just follow our template, do not be unique." I then tried to simplify the already-simple design, but too a hurtful words given, "do you have ear? I am your supervisor, I am 50-years old and have more experience than you."
Weeks-weeks ago-ago, "you will not be PhD" and "your manuscript writing max only Q3 or Q4, but now yours only Q5, Q6, or Q-something" were said easily by SV's mouth. Oh, and I will not forget on how many threatening of "if you cannot write it, its ok you can be second-author and I will be first-author," I have faced whenever consulting contradictive data. I literally unable to read a paper calmly because of SV's micromanagement that will ask me to do A B C D, where this diversion will make me unable to focus on working. As a result, most of my works cannot be finished, and "you are always late and cannot be in timeful manner," will be the result.
I am extremely stressed. I am a passionate student who joined this project research out-of-my pure interest on this field, and even so "you don't have passion" words are always given whenever my overnight works are not satisfactory to her standard of "if this is your maximum hardwork level, then this research is not for you". Not even a single appreciation was given out, but instead only harsh criticism that barely touch intellectual manner of academia.
I really have no problem on having nightlate works nor heavy-workload, I can try to adjust to Japanese style workstyle; but these hurtful words are the only one that destroyed Japan's good image for me. Everything about Japan is beautiful, really, but all those seem pointless under this treatment makes me feel I am the worst and useless one of entire lab.
It is extremely rare for me to cry, and I have cried on shoulder of my wife twice just because of this. I already consulted with my parent that I want to search for other PhD position, but because in my family I am the only one who can reach this top-level of abroad education, they seemed disappointed and told me that it is normal to face abusive words during PhD, because of "doing PhD means reaching maximum under extreme pressure"-kind of wise words.
I have consulted with my labmates, all them said the same feeling, they also want to quit but seem they are locked. I am the youngest one in PhD-cohort of my lab, probably my youngling-attribute made "you don't respect your supervisor" words spurted by SV, just because I am the only one who is not-desperate enough from speaking out my opinion in front of SV.
I know my SV had already given me a lot of knowledge and research facilities, I got to be in this imperial university because of my SV's role nonetheless. While I would not want to disappoint my SV, I cannot tolerate all these for "the sake of education to become researcher." Objectively speaking, all SV's desire for me to be efficient has become the reason of my inefficiency because of these words, as everytime "I don't know about your future as researcher" words spoken, my heart forces me to take a break to isolate myself in secluded room like a horrible hamster for atleast 3-hours just to calm myself.
What should I do? Even under this avoidance of emotional writing, I cannot see that this is not a problem. This should not be a norm, right? Because I really don't know.
Is there anything I can do? I mean as real action. Is it true that my non-fulfilling 148k/month yen of MEXT-scholarship "must be returned to Japan government" as told by SV whenever I could not finish this PhD under 3-years?
Also, is it valid that these all are academic harassment? I need this validation, so I can see those not as normal and not part of education I should receive.
by bekicotman