Hello,
I have quite a lengthy story and “dilemma” to explain so I’m hoping to hear from people who have similar experiences to me and especially somewhat older people who could give advice.
Just for background, I am 19 years old (20 soon) and I am half British (father’s side) and half Japanese (mother’s side); but born and raised in the US and currently studying in Europe. Even if the rest of my life is going fine, if there was one thing that I have always struggled with, it would certainly be socialising. My father died when I was very young (before I was a teenager) and I was essentially raised completely by my (Japanese) mother in a very white/homogenous area in the American Midwest with minimal diversity.
I believe that East Asian (Japanese in particular but also Koreans, Taiwanese…) and White mixed race people have an especially very difficult challenge in terms of “balancing” out their two sides, so to speak. I’m not by any means saying that other mixed combos don’t have cultural mismatch, but this combination in particular is relatively common in the developed western world and at least comes close to being polar opposites in a wide variety of characteristics.
I think there are countless factors that go into whether a W-Asian will feel closer to either side, but, perhaps primarily because I was fully raised by my Japanese mother (among other smaller reasons), I certainly feel much more “Japanese” in terms of mentality and values than anything else. In my childhood the main people that I had as friends were likewise mixed people, or very open-minded white people (keep in mind the very white/homogenous area I was raised in).
To describe what I mean by “Japanese” I could provide a few examples. I’m very reserved and mindful of other people and I would say that I have a much stronger “guilt complex” than a White person. I tend to be perhaps too quiet and think much more than I speak. I don’t seek out friends based off how “fun” they are but on the quality of their character and the way that they treat people who are less fortunate. I have a serious temperament and a strong work drive, and a very low social battery.
Since I left home four years ago, I’ve had the opportunity to study in very diverse areas/cities alongside wide ranges of people. I still found “typical” white people very hard for me to connect with. But even full-Asian people were not much easier despite many similarities. I didn’t learn Japanese growing up either (for a few unfortunate reasons), and in addition to never having even visited Asia, I somehow felt cut out of full-Asian groups for this reason.
I am currently writing this from Japan where I have been flown out for the past week in my studies and in addition to being incredibly fun and interesting, it’s been perhaps the saddest week of my life. It’s not really a feeling of being “happy” as much as feeling “well” in all of my surroundings. My whole life, I thought that there just was not a place in the world where I would feel accepted and “at home” for who I am. But despite a language barrier and other obstacles I have never felt like I belong somewhere more…
I could go on forever about why I feel this way; the people, the organisation, the communal attention and appreciation, and more. I always felt that I was thinking about other people in a world where everyone only thought about just themselves all the time, but Japan changed that. It made me feel like I was accepted and belonged in a society for just being what I am and acting off my mentality and judgement.
This would perhaps be enough for most people to pack up and move, but it’s not so easy for me. Legally there are actually no issues for me as a Japanese citizen, but in addition to a language barrier, a nice albeit very small family net, and simply all the challenges that come from moving abroad (which I felt moving from a more similar US to Europe) things are very uncertain for me.
Perhaps the biggest reason of all; the career field which I am in is incredibly specialised and Japan is simply not a good place in terms of career opportunities for me. There are fewer than around 20 institutions where I could work at in the country compared to hundreds where I am right now in Europe, and respect and salary for my specialisation is substantially lower.
I won’t go into more details for privacy reasons, but to change my career (in the arts) would be losing a part of myself. It’s been something that I’ve had in my life since four years old, and I’ve pushed myself so hard to where I am today to be accepted at the most prestigious schools and opportunities of my field, that I don’t know what I would do without this in my life. At the same time I must admit that a lot of the energy that I utilised in my studies has been negative; from feeling like a sort of “misfit” where I always needed to prove my worth – I don’t know if this is relevant but it felt quite important to write down.
All this being said, I just don’t know what to do. I feel so frustrated that I can’t have everything in my life work and make sense like other people do; I feel like a sort of pieced-together car which has done impressively well but is breaking down gradually. I’m also very frustrated at my mother and childhood upbringing for putting me in such a situation, but I know she has gone through a lot and it’s not correct to blame her for anything. I feel like I face an option of leaving behind all that I know in my life for “happiness” in Japan or plugging along in my current studies until I build a respectable career and grow old, yada yada…
If there has been anyone in a similar situation to me or might be able to provide insight or advice I would really appreciate this. As I said, I just do not know what to do, and I still have my whole life ahead of me at 19 years old, and I want to guide my life in a way that I won’t regret at all.
Sorry for such a long message but I needed to get this off my chest. I’m hopeful for any advice!
by Hefty_Key_381
6 comments
Your insanely young, relax. Focus at each stage of your life at the time, I think you’ll stay a few years in Japan to study and in the meantime you can think where you’d want to move. It almost never had to be a permanent place. There’s no need to plan all your life, when you’re so young and so many things can change (including you) with the years
If you search for hafu Japanese Facebook groups, there’s quite a few groups for hafu Japanese folks from all walks of life that have similar experiences and here to listen 🙂
While you are in Tokyo I also encourage you to attend hafu Japanese meetups – although it might be tough to navigate sometimes, being hafu and being a part of two cultures is something worth celebrating (in my opinion ). It’s a very unique and special experience that most people don’t get to have.
Also, you don’t need to have it all figured out – give yourself time and permission to explore your career options and identity. I’m 36 years old and don’t have it figured out but what’s great about being hafu is that we have the option to split our time between 2 countries and cultures 🙂
After facing a similar situation to yours, this is how I decided to move forward. You don’t need to keep trying to be accepted by others. Once you accept yourself, you are free to live the life you choose to make. You just have to get there.
I get the strong emotions you’re feeling, but I also sense a bit of infatuation with Japan that may be coloring your perspective right now — making everything feel ideal or like the answer to who you are.
Being mixed and raised outside your native culture can absolutely make you feel “in limbo.” That’s real. But even if Japan feels like home now, over time you may experience similar feelings of disconnect — just from a different angle. You’re not someone who grew up entirely in Japan, and those cultural gaps may surface again.
What’s important is accepting who you are — a blend of multiple cultures — and building connections with people who respect and value that, no matter where you are. Focus on the things that truly support a fulfilling life: meaningful relationships, hobbies, stability, health, and financial security.
As the old sayings go:
“The grass seems greener on the other side,” and “Home is where the heart is.”
It’s less about where you are and more about what you build around you.
That sucks OP. I’m a white person who grew up in Japan. Still have very strong ties to the culture, speak Japanese fluently. Both my parents are white and when I was younger I idealized my native country to the point of dreaming about it. All my vacations there seemed like my ideal place to be, my true home.
Until I moved there in my teens and realized “yeah you only imagine the grass being greener”.
It’s a mirage, OP. You gotta find your own place in the world but being a visitor to a place and actually living there are different universes. You don’t speak the language. You haven’t had to deal with their bureaucracy. You have never worked in the country and realized how straining it can be. You’ve never lost your friendships to the work-grind.
You’re having a crisis of identity but kindly – it’s likely gonna take a long time to find your place in the world. And the first solution isn’t always the right one. For right now, I say focus on your career. Other options might open up later.
So here’s a little practical suggestion: just go learn Japanese!
I personally know many Asians who grew up in the US and not speaking their ethnic language, and went back to study it in their 20s or even later. Some of them wanted to perhaps pursue career opportunities, connect with their family, or just thought it would be cool. Either way, they all said as one of the most fulfilling things they’ve done and a process that continues to pay dividends. They’ve all since felt a stronger connection to their culture. Their older family members are incredibly supportive and are more than happy to help you practice conversation. When they visit their home countries, they now get to enjoy it on a completely different level.
Since you’re currently in school, see if your institution has any Japanese language classes and sign up for them. Maybe get a minor in Japanese. Perhaps find a tutor, or maybe even just self-study. Progress will seem slow at first, but if you work hard for a few years, you can probably become quite fluent, especially with your background and support you’ll have access to. Years down the line, if you still want to move to Japan, you’ll be much better prepared.