Hi there, you know how these threads go, mine might be a little different.
Me: 10-15 years in Japan, N1/2 (got it when it was 1kyu, don't think I'd pass it again), presently on work visa. Married 6 years ago.
Her: lived with me both in and out of Japan, severely mentally stressed after family loss on my side, and drama on hers. Abroad she was diagnosed and managed. In Japan "she doesn't need it anymore". But, she does. Spats of constant depression, abuse (verbal and physical, as well as mental), and everything that comes with diagnosed personality disorders.
Us: we've been separated by location on and off for two ish years. Mostly because she wanted another job, I couldn't give up everything and start fresh (a third time) for her at the time. We've been apart, never at ends, emotionally close and amicable. There's Zero sexual energy between us, but I'm fully functional, she's just decided she's basically Ace now, and while I totally respect that, that's not who I married. She doesn't want kids anymore, I still do. Albeit not with her in this state.
Now here's where it gets weirder. Up until now distance has been constant. She's said we're in an open relationship 別居, and lived our lives spending time with each other here and there. Now though, she wants us to move back in together like nothing ever changed, like newlyweds all over again. Whilst I've got no issues getting jobs or visas, I recently started the spousal visa that for whatever reason I never applied for before. Steps to PR I reckon.
So before people say the obvious: "you're both young, without kids, and distant, peel off the bandaid", I get it, I do. The reason I never did before is that she's threatened me with serious self harm if I ever did…. And now her family member is on his deathbed, so I surely can't do it for a while. I'm being emotionally there for her at least. I thought this fall would be my window. I guess not.
IF my spousal is approved, despite eight months left on my work visa, can she call and mess things up? I read so many horror stories about people losing kids, or restraining orders etc messing things up. I'm not commenting on their situations of which I know little of, but I'm cautious about what getting out of this when she's over the impending family loss could possibly be. We have no shared assets, nor anything really to take away, other than a visa?
A lawyer friend suggested I stay on work visas until I can qualify for PR again, which I did before leaving for a few years, and didn't get because I wasn't thinking straight.
Also, in case of the "find someone who actually loves you" appear, she does, just she also loves tormenting me. Unrelated to this message, as it's something I've been looking for an out for a while, I have met someone, no strings, but everything lines up, and I'm actually feeling appreciated for all my hard work, which is a very strange feeling. It's very much on the DL, but my lawyer friend warned that given how unstable the wife is, if in any way it looks like this other friend is the reason for divorce, or a fling, she could and very most likely would, throw every book at me.
So, what do I do? Can't divorce because of threats of self harm. Didn't worry about it because of time away, despite frequent visits, and now suddenly she wants to move back into a new place together, and start fresh when everything is exactly the same. I don't want the same. For five years I couldn't have friends. I couldn't go out. If friends came over it would lead to fits. Didn't like the Gaijin. The Japanese ones are low class. Constantly flying off the handle. Breaking things for attention. Zero sex for a few years. Zero cooperation with counseling and medical intervention,Which did work abroad, even if she lied to them, it still worked.
I never had to make the decision because she made it, but now she wants things to go back to the way they were, but they've not been good since 2023. We've been living our own lives since. She hasn't changed at all, and I've only realized how great things were and how they won't go back if we're stuck under the same roof full time.
Sadly family will expire soon, and she'll be even more delicate, and of course I'll be there for her emotionally, especially since her behaviour has driven everyone else away…. But since I will be ripping off the bandaid ideally, if she's feeling like hurting me in retribution, how much power would she have?
by 072084_69