Been doing graduate school in Tokyo for about a year. I thought I would love Japan a lot more than I feel like I do. I love studying Japanese language so I thought it would be an amazing experience to live and study here. I do love how beautiful, interesting, and cultural it is here and love walking through beautiful gardens and shrines and experiencing the culture. However, I feel smothered, insecure, and anxious every day. I think it's about my Japanese speaking ability, even though I do study, it's really difficult to communicate. And just feeling like an outsider permanently. And my room is extremely cramped in my share house. I have come to realize I don't love it here. My program is over in about 4/5 months and I should stick it out, though my parents are being really kind and saying I could come home early if it gets really bad. I feel sad and ungrateful and that I should have loved it here more, because I love Japanese language and culture so much, but something about living here is making me feel horrible. Additionally, my health/ anxiety is the worst it has ever been in my life while living here. For context I developed some pretty gnarly stomach issues with a lot of nausea vomiting and appetite loss thats been going on for basically the entire time ive been here. I have been to doctors here and did various bloodwork, colonoscopies, GI visits, etc and nothing is "wrong". I recently visited home for 3 weeks during summer break and was basically completely fine, anxiety was so much lower, i felt safe, appetite was back, and then I came back to do my fall semester and im already having problems again. So its leading me to believe my issues are anxiety related, and something about being here so far away from home is just really hard on me mentally and physically.
I do love my classes and I have made some wonderful amazing friends. So the thought of leaving makes me sad. I will most likely finish out the semester but will not live here beyond that. It's just really interesting that it turned out this way. I'm sure other people have similar experiences, and I don't mean to sound ungrateful at all because it really is a privelege getting to live and study in another country.
Thanks for reading my rant. Not sure if I need any advice but would be nice to hear if people are having similar experiences.
by ellielola98