Having some late night thoughts and I was typing in my notes app and wanted to share it to someone. I just need some validation. This is what I was writing:
On paper, my company is “flat.” No one uses titles except the CEO level people. People are friendly, there’s no strict dress code, your hair color does not matter, some people even have tattoos. But “flat” doesn’t mean equal.
There’s still a hierarchy, just a quieter, more invisible one. At first, I said things the way I’d say them anywhere else. I was honest, I gave input, I pointed out blockers. And that made me feel like I was walking on thin ice.
Employee evaluation/feedback isn’t anonymous at my company, there’s a strong culture of saying things gently and never directly blaming the system, the task, or someone else. You’re expected to endure what’s given to you.
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Refusing Isn’t an Option
In many Western environments, saying “I don’t have the capacity” or “This isn’t in my skill set” might seem inconvenient to some people, but it is not a crazy thing to say. Here, it’s often seen as a lack of self-discipline. You’re not really supposed to say no, even when you should. You’re expected to try first, struggle quietly, and do your best with a smile. Refusing a task or even suggesting a different path can come off as uncooperative or immature.You get points for pushing through, not for challenging the situation. So I swallow my tongue, smile, and say 頑張ります. Because that’s how you survive.
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Here, humility is everything. It’s not just about doing the work. It’s about doing it with the right attitude. Don’t sound overconfident. Don’t look too relaxed. Say “thank you” constantly. Say “sorry” even more.
You’re being evaluated not only on what you do, but on how you act while doing it.
Even when something is clearly broken like process, communication, or roles, you’re expected to speak about it indirectly. You soften your words. You wrap them in praise and apologies. You ask instead of state. You hint instead of push. You don’t blame the environment. You blame your own lack of effort.
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Everyone’s Friendly, But…
On the surface, everyone’s polite and helpful. People bow, smile, thank you, and say お疲れ様です like clockwork. But there’s competition underneath. People don’t talk about evaluations. They keep their feedback to themselves. They don’t share performance reviews or who’s getting what kind of work. You never really know where you stand. That quiet ambiguity becomes exhausting.
I personally don’t mind people knowing my scores or seeing my feedback. But here, people guard them like secrets. There’s always a sense that someone’s watching, and that makes it hard to just relax and focus.
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Being a woman adds another layer. Sometimes people comment on my appearance. Sometimes they assume I’m cheerful or soft just because I smile. Sometimes I feel like I’m either too quiet or too forward, like there’s no in-between that’s “just right.” As a woman, and especially as a foreign woman, I’ve had to learn how to assert myself without being seen as aggressive. I’ve had to control how friendly I am, just so I’m not mistaken for someone who can be taken lightly. There’s this invisible tightrope between being respected and being dismissed. I walk it every single day.
I don’t think I’ve ever fully relaxed at work.
I’m constantly adjusting.
Do I sound too direct?
Should I reword this more humbly?
Am I being too assertive? Or too passive?
It’s slowing eating me alive. Maybe I should quit…
by OkPeace3737