Edit: had to remove the post in case he reads it.
A BIG thanks to everyone who commented, it helped me confirm his intentions and now I know it’s not normal based on the red flags mentioned. Not to mention he follows sketchy instagram accounts that confirms what everyone was saying 🙂
Thank you guys! Will be more careful from now on
by kawaiineko06
13 comments
You are feeling unsettled and uncertain and asking if these are red flags, I think you know the answer. Wait for the guy who makes your heart leap for joy when he kisses you, makes you feel elated when he asks you to be his girlfriend. This guy does not seem to be the right one. Cut your losses now, I say.
It’s because you two kissed. That’s why he asked you. He might have gotten the wrong idea. In his mind, if you didn’t like him you wouldn’t have kissed.
A lot of guys are just looking for hookups through apps which is why they want to go to hotels.
It is honestly kind of weird that he is asking to date you after only meeting a second time. Probably desperate to have a girlfriend and may think a foreigner is easier to get to date and less conservative than a Japanese woman.
Nornal to confess on 3rd date? Yes. Second date maybe yes altho is a bit rushed in japanese culture. Asking you to his place or your place is usually an unspoken invite for intimacy. So while that is common, it is NOT normal for public displays or touching like that if he is saying he is serious. Im leaning towards he just wants to be with a foreigner to say he did, unfortunately. But then again the flip side of that is women do it too (been on the other side of that and turned it down as well). So, basically if you dont like what he is doing, dont continuing dateing. dont feel pressured into something you dont think is right. Fellow foreigner here trying to navigate the social scene as well.
Just my 8 yen.
For a lot of people here, you need to be together before you shag.
We can’t tell you what he’s thinking, but even if he is serious with the best intentions, he doesn’t know you well enough to make an accurate prediction about long term viability.
This is actually completely normal. The “standard” is to become a couple within 3 dates. Then you keep getting to know each other and if you find that it’s not a good match you just break up. Of course pay attention to love-bombing or him trying to force you to be intimate. Just because you’re an official couple it doesn’t mean everything needs to happen fast. It’s supposed to just show that you’re comittedly exclusively dating each other. If he doesn’t respect your boundaries and tries to pull “but we’re boyfriend and girlfriend” he’s not it.
This is a little tricky tbh because we can’t really generalise dating no matter what culture or where.
I’d say instead of focusing on him asking you to be his girlfriend, focus more on “is this guy right for me”. I went on a few dates back in the day and the red flags were screaming and I ended anything pretty quickly but then the one guy who wasn’t like the others, who made my heart skip a beat ended up being the love of my life.
He went against every rule and generalisation out there about Japanese men (I’m a foreigner).
We moved in together after 3 months, I met his family and we travelled to Australia so he could meet my family and we’re getting married this month.
Forget the question he asked you, and ask yourself if this is what you want or is it something else keeping you there?
Best of luck hun x
Hey, girl to girl.. so many red flags imo. Be sure he is not married already
My -sadly long- experience with guys here is yes, from what you’re describing he sounds like he just wants to sleep with you. Asking to go to karaoke here is 99% an invite to make out, and asking to stay at a ryokan on your 2nd date confirms his intentions. If you like this guy, i would suggest taking it slow and maybe avoid physical intimacy, see how he reacts. I know how it feels in your 20s to have someone show interest in you and how difficult it is to set boundaries, but if you feel something is off then please trust your gut. And don’t worry about not finding someone or ending up alone, it’s gonna be ok!
For that age range (30s) this is fairly “normal” in the sense of being traditional. Japan’s judgmental society judges (or used to judge) people for doing anything “couple like” when not a couple. It’s like they aren’t allowed to date until they’re already dating, which leads to the whole kokuhaku thing and going steady after only a couple of dates. Cultural relativism be damned, it’s a horrible system for basic human psychology and some guys do take advantage of it to pump and dump.
24F dating a 34 year old Japanese guy who tries to feel you up on the second date? Sorry, he likely just wants to bang.
if you keep running into these dudes, there’s a chance you agree too easily to meet guys. just because they write on the app that they totally only want to meet normally doesn’t mean their real intentions aren’t to fuck you right away. you should also be careful since a lot of dating activities in Japan involve drinking. you never know if some dude tries to get you drunk or even tries to drug you. my advice is stop meeting these dudes so quickly and have your guard a little higher. if they lose interest or get mad just because you don’t agree to meet right away, you already know they weren’t serious.
He thinks he might get to sleep with you if he asks you to he his GF first, since inviting you to karaoke didn’t work on the first date. He even tried it again with the ryokan invite.
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