Our kids started 小1 and 小2 respectively and I noticed a change in the way everyone play with each other. I don't want to be too strict to the point that our kids are avoided by their friends due to "their parents are too strict", but at the same time I'm not familiar with what is considered normal play in Japan.
After school, sometimes they play outside or in a community center until 4-5pm (which I'm still ok), but sometimes everyone come and play at our home.
Our manshion is not even that big, but when 3-5 kids play at home things are getting out of hand. My husband WFH 3-4 times a week and even his laidback nature could blow out from time to time. I don't want to add home stresses on top of his job, so I wanted to help by "controlling" what's necessary. It's only a matter of time before other damages in the home occur.
Things that I ever snapped out and kicked them all out immediately were:
- Throwing pillows and things outside the window. Making extreme mess in the room 3 days in a row. Making damages on our walls. Coming to our home at 7:00am on Sat/Sun morning. Play with devices individually while our kids were like shouting "I want to play too" again and again. Still not leaving after dark.
Things that I'm not sure if normal in Japan:
- Come and play at our home literally every single day until 5-6pm (Sunday to Sunday – I do sometimes ask them to leave and said Not today). Playing hide and seek at home (small manshion). Running around the house, going into our bedroom, hide and seek in the tatami room drawers.
- For our kids, I strictly prohibit them to go to other kids houses on Sat/Sun and clearly said to them "people tend to play with their families on weekends, so you must not be a meiwaku". Meanwhile the other kids come to our home instead.
Things that I'm thinking to do:
- Strictly prohibit other kids to play at our home on Sat/Sun, otherwise play outside.
- Strictly ask them to leave after 2 hours play at home, weekdays weekends.
- Get hold of our kids' devices as long as the other kids are home. Our kids don't even play devices or their Switches that often, but when the other kids are home I somehow notice they only play a lot with devices so I'm guessing this is what attract them to our place because we let them play freely.
Again, I just don't want to be too strict to the point everyone is scared of our kids parents, but I do realize I have to be clear on some rules while still within the tolerable part. Appreciate your thoughts guys.
by shionemi
46 comments
Are kids just arriving at your house? And then coming in and terrorizing the place? I don’t have kids but this seems so odd. I feel like you would arrange with other parents for playdates?
throwing stuff out the window isn’t normal. Everything else sounds normal imo. I’d ask the other parents if they have time limits for game systems, then when you take away the Switch you can say “because Satoshi’s mom said he can only play for 1 hour a day”. Also telling them to play outside is completely acceptable and not scary
Everyday??? That’s crazy. Just tell them don’t come anymore, especially when they’re damaging stuff.
Ok I think your first step is absolutely lock up all devices when the kids come over. New rule, no room for negotiation. It is possible that this will greatly reduce their visits.
P.S. How do your kids feel about these somewhat rude friends being over all the time?
You can and should establish rules for your home so things don’t go overboard, but having parents who allowed me and my brothers to bring friends home all the time during our childhood is truly one of the best things that ever happened to me.
No matter what, I think it should be your house, your rules. It’s important to establish boundaries with kids. If they want the privilege of coming over then no doing xyz. Best to nip it in the bud.
Having kids come play inside your house every single day is not really normal and you shouldn’t feel bad about making some changes. They’re probably at your house every day because nobody else’s parents will let them inside all the time.
You need to tell your kids to ask for permission before inviting friends and you should scold them for DAMAGING THE WALLS
Why don’t you ? Is your kid free to do whatever they want …?
My kid’s friends used to all come round after school. Same age as yours. Some days they were like wild animals so we used to kick them out into the garden or send them home. We also implemented a homework first rule, so they did that, played on the switch and then it was time to go home. We communicated with the other parents and set home times for winter and summer.
Kids will be kids, but parents should be parents and set rules and communicate with each other. Once we got everything sorted it worked well with the other kids bring snacks and us supplying the room.
Talk to their parents??
Normal grownups wouldn’t let their kids run unruly in another person’s home because understandably most people wouldn’t tolerate that shit
This is not normal. I have a 20yo and 9yo. Both only
played at the park or mall. Sometimes at the apartment but that was like once in a blue moon.
If they want to play, go to another friend’s house or play at the park.
They are taking advantage of your open western ideals of having people over.
Coming that often to your place is not normal. Most likely they aren’t allowed to do this in other places so they keep coming.
No, it’s not normal.
If someone has an accident in your home, the parents can ask what their child was doing there. They might not even know where they were.
If I were you, I wouldn’t allow it anymore.
I clamped down on this sort of behavior *very* quickly. I don’t need my home to turn into a game center for the entire neighborhood. I work from home too, so I can’t stand the “maximum volume at all times” playstyle that seems to be the norm for many households. I kicked a kid out immediately once for jumping up and down on furniture and another time when they dug out some devices I had already put away. I also made it a rule that kids who want to play Smash/Mario Kart have to bring their own controllers.
Playing with friends at my house or their house when I was a kid are some of my best memories, but we had a LOT more space back then, a lot less summer heat, and far fewer devices on hand. Times have changed and the healthy active play we enjoyed as kids is no longer the norm for many households.
I mean, when I was small I would ask my parents permission to invite or visit my friend’s house.
Maybe start with setting boundaries and expectations with your own kids first.
Have you spoken with their parents?
I’m American, not Japanese. But my friends and I spent several hours every day at one of our houses. Usually my house. If we got rough or loud they made us play outside. We’d play until the sun started setting and that was everyone’s cue to go home for dinner, unless it was the weekend and we had permission to stay the night (which was frequent; we basically rotated houses every weekend). We were functionally raised as a group by all of the parents taking turn. It worked out for everyone, because that meant the parents were basically taking turns babysitting and getting more nights of freedom than they had to babysit. I imagine it took some effort for all the parents to coordinate, but ultimately everyone won.
Sounds like you’re providing free day care and meals for someone else’s kids.
Totally not normal.
My kid is also in elementary school. Most kids play at the park together after school. Visits to people’s homes are arranged more ahead of time, and with the knowledge and communication between the parents, or sometime arranged by the kids if they’re older and the families know each other better.
Are you sure their parents even know they’re doing this? They may have just told their parents they’ve gone to the park.
Set rules. Put away toys that you don’t want them playing with. Tell them no running. We also live in a mansion and the kids don’t run around.
Sounds like they think you guys are a pushover. Why else does everyone congregate at your place and not anyone else’s?
You should feel free to set your boundaries and limits. And definitely don’t let “Japanese norms” prevent you. I doubt the other kids parents would let them do all of that.
On the other hand, I’m not sure about the “play with the family at the weekend” thing. Is that normal? When I go to my local play centre, usually there are quite a lot of elementary school kids playing together on their smartphones and switches
There’s a social problem called houchigo 放置子. It happens when a kid’s parents are too busy or emotionally detached to pay attention to them, so the kid goes to their friends or classmates house and causes problems. I hope that’s not the case.
This reminds me of something I saw on Twitter (I know), where a woman was complaining that this one kid would come to her home all the time and expect to be entertained and fed. It’s perfectly fine to tell them to *go home*. You’re not their babysitter, and this is not their home. If these friends play with your kids less because of it and it saddens your kids, explain to them that we shouldn’t only play with friends because they have nice things.
I’d talk it through with your kids in advance, too. You wrote down all the good reasons why this kind of behaviour has to be regulated (they’re misshandling things, they’re going into places they’re not supposed to go, your husband is working), give them the same. Figure out rules that work for all of you together, so this doesn’t feel like a punishment for your kids.
(Kids coming to your home at 7am on the weekend kind of sounds like neglect, ngl.)
My kids often play at the park with friends (well, when it’s not too hot) and any day that’s fine. But inside my house? I don’t let in kids who are too young & I don’t know their parents. For older kids (4年+) my kid asks if their friend can come over ahead of time & lets their friend know the house rules.
I would not host random 1st and 2nd graders everyday, that would be so draining.
You’re a parent. You’re an adult with adult judgement they don’t have. Take charge.
I think you should set up some rules, explain them clearly to your kids, but YOU enforce them and tell the other kids no.
Rules like:
No friends over when Daddy is working.
All electronic devices go in a box at the genkan. (Reconsider this when they are older and gaming is social.) If a guest doesn’t want to do that, they can go home or back to the school.
Have set hours for dinner. 45 minutes before dinner, guests get a “last call” warning, 30 minutes and everyone is out. (Make exceptions for very good friends who are invited to dinner with parental permission, or if you think a kid is going hungry at home — if you want.)
Give them a stern talking-to when play turns into damage. Send them home if it’s bad or repeated.
You are allowed to blacklist trouble-makers who can’t respect your rules.
The reason they come over to your house is maybe because the rules are less strict at your house than other kids’ homes. Or maybe your home feels safer. Rules help keep your home feeling safe.
We had a similar thing happen when we moved here. All the neighbourhood kids started treating our house like it was the local playground. I’d even come home some days and they would be playing in our yard when my kids weren’t here and there was nobody home. Things started getting damaged and I put a stop to it. It didn’t make any difference, our kids are still friends, and they still play together. You have the right to some privacy in your own home, and no reasonable adult is going to hold it against you.
You are too nice. Kids playing at your house everyday is not normal even in the USA. The parents are basically using you as daycare. I would talk to your kids so they don’t invite the kids to play at your house and put time limits such as 2 hours max. They will get out of hand if they are there longer. Restrict areas that are off limits such as your bedroom and definitely limit electronics to half an hour or no electronics. It’s not normal to throw pillows or damage your home either. Talk to the kids about behaviors in your home. If they know what you would not allow or else they have to go home then they will behave. If they don’t, respect you and your home, your kids are better off without them. Personally, 3 days a week is the maximum I would allow.
My daughter started 1st grade and has some friends she invites over from time to time and she gets invited to their place too. We set up rules quickly because I didn’t want to babysit other people’s children while the parents are at work.
Rule 1: all moms/dads need to know who is coming and on what day ahead of time
Rule 2: no one can come over until homework is finished – which means everyone needs to go home after school first
Rule 3: everyone goes home at 5pm
It’s been working for us. If you have feral children throwing stuff out the windows, sounds like you need to get in touch with the kids’ parents and inform them that they cannot behave like that if they come to your home again. I bet the next time they come, the kid will apologize and bring a bag of snacks to share. If they don’t, then Musashi-kun isn’t welcome anymore.
My kid is still nenchou in kindergarten no so firsthand experience yet except one time I took my daughter to the park next door and the local first and second graders were playing. They were very friendly and invited my daughter to join them. One of them then suddenly said “let’s go to xxx-chan’s house”. Turns out they lived in the same mansion. So all the kids (like 6 of them?) ran over and into the one kids home and just all barged in. My daughter was having so much fun being included with the big kids but once we got to the girls door I told my daughter “we cannot go in without the parent’s permission. Let’s say goodbye here”. My daughter was quite disappointed that only she had to say goodbye to the kids at the door. But I had no idea if this kind of groups of kids barging into one of their house at random like this was normal or if these kids were being rude and cheeky. But my guess is that kids whose parents are at work or otherwise not home in the afternoon after school often do this. Probably without the parents even knowing. So it’s highly likely your kids friends parents just think they’re at the park or somewhere else and not your house 🤷♀️
When I was a kid (in suburban Philadelphia), we just went where we wanted. We hung out at this house or that house, and nobody cared. We were free, and we learned how to entertain and look out for ourselves. I think this was great, and I am highly dismayed how scheduled kids’ lives have become. But it sounds like you are being used as a free daycare center and have to put your foot down. Being a doormat is not sustainable.
I hope for the sake of your downstairs neighbours you’re on the ground floor…
Yeah this is not normal. I know it can feel weird to find yourself responsible for other people’s kids but that’s the situation you are in and you have to find a way to set some boundaries up with them as well.
Seriously, if they rock up at 7am you need to be OK with telling them to skedaddle until 9am/next week/whatever. That is a you thing. You are responsible for these kids when they are in your place and that means you need to be in some sort of control.
If they are yeeting stuff out of windows you need to be OK with explaining patiently/screaming at them why that is not going to fly.
As others have said, talking to other parents is a good idea too. It takes a village etc!
Your kids getting friends is a fun part of them growing up! It comes with pros and cons of course!
Good luck!
> Strictly prohibit other kids to play at our home on Sat/Sun, otherwise play outside.
Seems backwards no?
> For our kids, I strictly prohibit them to go to other kids houses on Sat/Sun
Really strange
Are you setting expectations with kids and friends? Do they know what is appropriate and inappropriate play? Are these expectations set when they first come in the door? And are you quick to address the kids immediately when they step out of line? Are you allowing time for the kids to clean up after themselves before they go home?
In my experience, many parents pamper their kids and do everything for them, so the concept of “cleaning up” after play time is a completely foreign idea to them, and I’m happy to introduce the idea of self-respect.
In my house, kids are welcome almost anytime, but the rules are strict. No running or throwing things. Play nice, and clean up when play time is done. In exchange for following these rules, they get a safe environment to play in, and snacks to share.
Most of my kids’ friends who come over follow the rules and everyone has a good time. There was one instance where some friends came over and didn’t follow the rules, and they quickly left after being confronted time and time again. They probably felt the rules were too strict. They haven’t come back, which is perfectly find with me.
I think once you get out of 1st/2nd grade though, kids start to have better manners, so it could also be just a matter of time.
My kids have brought friends over and im totally fine with it. But I did set some boundries. ie, please go home by 5 since we get ready for dinner after 5.
What did surprise me is that my daughter never goes to their places, they just come here. I don’t really know why. Maybe Japanese parents don’t want kids in their homes or maybe they just enjoy our place more since my kids have their own rooms and we have space (its a house). We also have space outside where they can play safely. And a big ass TV too which I often see them watching together. (85″)
Establish days and times when they are allowed to have friends. Other times and days are for family time and homework.
lol your ‘neighbours’ have found their new gakudo.
This sounds so odd and it seems these kids have caught on that this household seemingly has no rules to the point where they take your own kids devices and not let them play? I would not tolerate this.
I understand some kids need a place to play when their own households are unavailable, but letting these kids walk all over you will set a bad impression on your own kids too. On top of that, if your husband is working, that’s disrespectful to allow all these shenanigans.
Your kids should ask you if they’re allowed to bring over friends before they let them in at the very minimum.
Not Japanese and didn’t grow up in Japan. My house was always the house everyone would come play in but that didn’t mean no rules. Your house your rules. You can even make a rule sheet and put on your fridge and refer to the house rules anytime the kids do something wrong. On top of that, talk to parents and organize rules and also rotate houses because it’s not fair that you and your husband have to host every single night, right?
I bet it depends on the neighborhood. In our neighborhood from early elementary school (our kids are in junior high school now) it was normal for kids to gather at the park and then sometimes head over to someone’s house or even “house crawl”, moving from house to house.
On weekends we’d sometimes get a call from another parent saying your kid is here, can he sleep over? (They didn’t have mobile phones) And we’d ask how many kids are there and they say about five! Sometimes we’d do the same.
But other houses had rules and the kid of that house would know they weren’t allowed to bring friends home. So you’ve just got to make it clear to your kids what the rules are eg, no one inside while dad’s working, everyone must leave by 5:30. No noise. Kids were usually pretty good with that.
Our kids still bring back masses of friends and I honestly love it. Reminds me of my childhood. But we do tell them when we’re working from home – in that case only allowed to play outside etc.
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Not sure this is a Japan problem. You would contact the parents are arrange a schedule that shares the responsibility. It’s your home you set the rules.
Or tell your kids the new rule to not bring friends in specific dates or at all.
A lot of Japanese parents don’t allow their kids to invite friends in to home, a lot of others still open their home to kids friends too but getting lesser.
Not the same for Japan but where I grew up, being allowed to go to hang out my friends house ment we were safe and not on the streets.
Still, we respected my friend’s house and his mum would scold us like we were her own. Till this day shes my second mum.
In our area kids seem more inclined to gather in the parks than each others’ houses, but our house does seem to be popular for the indoor hangout times. That being said, when friends come over (specifically to play inside, not just to see if our kid is home to do something) our kid gets our permission first PLUS the friends must have their parents’ permission. Once they’re in our house, they’re our responsibility so they know that their parents have to say it’s OK first. This seems standard for when our kid goes to their places too.
As for the hide-and-seek, yeah, even though Japanese houses aren’t as conducive to this as many of our Western houses, they love it. We had 4 kids running up and down the stairs playing it just this past weekend BUT they knew (and did) stay out of our bedroom and my spouse’s office, and asked permission to use my room/the library as well.
This kinda reads to me as if those kids just want a place to play and be rowdy, rather than them coming specifically to play with YOUR kids. They probably come to your house so often because their parents would give them an ass-whooping if they behaved like that at home.
If they stop being friends with your kid because you don’t allow them to hang out at your apartment every day, those kids were never interested in friendship in the first place, they just wanted a convenient hangout.
When I was a kid, I could not simply bring someone over without asking my parents first. And my parents would call the other parents to check if they were ok with it as well. To me, that is totally reasonable.
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