Context: I am 20F on a student visa, my boyfriend is 25M, Japanese national.
So I didn’t intend for this to happen, but despite doing it “safe”, it’s not 100% safe, apparently. Hence where Im at. Im showing signs like;
– Missed period, I think this is the biggest symptom?
– Tired despite sleeping, attending lectures has been a nightmare cause I just want to sleep.
– Morning sickness, I feel nauseous, a lot.
– Frequent urination…
– Weird cravings, appetite changes…
– Sore breasts… etc.
I have completed 2 of 8 semesters of university here, currently on my 3rd. My thought was, ”If I’m pregnant, the baby is due on 4th semester, so I would have to take a break for that semester.” I don’t know if this is allowed on my visa, like taking a break from studies while remaining on a student visa. Its renewal is due in ~1.5 years.
As for my boyfriend, he is a Japanese national with good income, however, has many late-night shifts. Though he makes time for me whenever possible. He is a secret to both my friends and family. When I told him of the possibility his response was, ”Don’t worry, I would take responsibility, I would marry you.” I get what he means, though where Im from marriage usually happens when you are way older and after years of being together. But I guess for bureaucratic/cultural reasons, this is a must?
My support system is my government, they usually provide mothers with extra money; my parents, I know they wouldn’t be thrilled but still willing to support me monetarily; and my university, whom I guess could advise me?
As for me, I want to be a mother, yes, but part of me wants to complete my studies first. But I also know I wouldn’t be able to handle an abortion. It would break me. At the same time, Im so young, however, most of my family had kids in my age— so it’s like a curse. Im incredibly confused. I don’t feel grown up yet. And this happening abroad adds yet another layer of confusion.
I’ll ask my boyfriend to get me a test asap, but until then I want to know what to do, who to talk to… idk. City hall? Counselor? Student office?
by AstronomerBig3623
18 comments
Medical check-up first — your health and that of your baby’s if you are pregnant, are the MOST important thing. If you ARE pregnant you can decide how to proceed, and if you choose to give birth you can go to city hall and get all the documents and paperwork started, then take those to school and figure out what they do to help you finish school, maybe take term off, etc. Good luck!
Talk to the student office for sure to relieve worries about your student visa. Can you also get the pregnancy test by yourself? The worst case scenario is your bf dropping all support and you having to handle this all by yourself.
It sounds like you didn’t take a pregnancy test yet? That’s the first step, then if positive, go to doctor’s to get confirmation. Then move onto thinking about everything else
Can you not get a pregnancy test yourself off Amazon or from a pharmacy? That really has to be done first before future planning
The lucky thing is, while abortions and such are looked down upon, the support system for birthing is very good and because you pay into local taxes and healthcare (or are even exempted from paying), you get all the rights a resident does. These rights, depending on where you live, could mean free check-ups until birth and then free healthcare for the kid until they’re 18.
Talk to your student services and even if you don’t have the confidence to go to city hall, they can come with you and get it all sorted. Being said, you need to confirm the pregnancy at a ladies clinic first.
As for the dude? You don’t really need to get married. But if you’re able to get your kid on his family registry, the kid will be Japanese and as the kid’s mother, you might be able to get a long-stay visa to look after the child without being married. It’s a bit of an outlier and not 100% but immigration really wants to keep children in Japan and keep parents together. You will lose some rights over the child this way if you’re not married, but that’s an option to stay without being married and taking time off university to recover after birth.
First thing you need to do is just get confirmation you’re pregent, because nothing can move forward until then.
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You need to take a test first. As we say, don’t put the cart before the horse.
You can buy reliable tests cheaply and easily at drugstores, online (like Amazon), etc.
Abortion is an option here. It might not be as easily accessible as some places but depending on how far along you are it’s possible and not too incredibly expensive all things considered. I had a pregnancy scare earlier this year so I did a lot of research on the regulations and clinics if you’d like more information.
How many weeks have you missed your period? Usually about a week past due menstruation an over the counter pregnancy test can confirm.
Go to drug store and try the test.
From there you can determine if you need to go to a gynecologist and what you want to do from then on.
Good luck.
First thing is to take a test to actually confirm if you are pregnant or not. They’re cheap and easily available off the shelf at any drugstore, so no need to wait for your boyfriend to get you one.
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Do you know what your plan is regarding your boyfriend?
I think plans for continuing your studies need to involve additional support from your boyfriend as well as his family. If you intend to stay in Japan, can any of your family come to stay with you for some time?
I know foreigners who have had a baby while doing a PhD, their mother came to help out and the lab was supportive regarding their time table.
Go. To. A. Lady’s. Clinic. ASAP.
You not at the step of, “what should I do about my studies?”. You should be at the step of, “Getting to a clinic to see if you’re pregnant, and if so what your options are.”
I’m a man, so I don’t know the full pressures of everything for young pregnant woman. But I’m also a father of a girl myself, and I’d like to offer some advice: I don’t believe there is a “best time” to have a child. Like many people today say, “We need to make more money before kids” or “We need a house” or “We need to wait until the political climate settles down” and whatnot. I don’t think those are great issues to not have a child. But I do believe that a child should be brought into this world when the parents are in a good situation, not by accident. You’re 20 years old (just a kid), still in school, you’re still dating this dude and don’t know all his issues or what you two’s futures look like. Happy accidents can happen, children can be brought into this world through the worse of situations. But IMHO, it’s best to bring a child into the world when your life is generally where you think it should be with someone you’re for sure will be with you through everything.
In Japan, it’s pretty common for these situations to happen with Japanese people. Like half the couples I know had this happen, the “oops, pregnant now, rush to marry” situation. Lacking education on birth control and other reasons are to blame. But I can tell you that many of these situations don’t work out well, especially with foreigner couples. Marriage in Japan is seen as a thing for children, not purely love between two people, thus the rampant amount of cheating that happens–they stay together for the kids, act the parent when needed, but seek intimacy outside. So for many Japanese men who think birth control is for cowards, they’re fine with marrying and getting the kid thing over, but many don’t see it as such a large commitment as many others do. To them, kids and household and stuff is women’s work, he just works and comes home to act as the father sometimes. That’s why I’ve seen many couples who have gone down this path not lead anywhere great. Sure, they love their kids and might be good parents individually, but their marriage is a sham and the only reason why they can even stand each other is their kids, and I think that’s deeply sad for the kids to not fully understand a loving household.
On the opposite side, abortion isn’t the prettiest option but it’s quite a popular option for many who aren’t willing to take up the child challenge so soon in their lives. In fact, abortion is seen as a sort of birth control measure to some. That’s why clinics frown upon it because they’d rather see women (and men) use proper preventative birth control and not do abortion once or multiple times over. The cost is a bit expensive, and the experience is hard, but it’s certainly a tiny fraction of cost compared to raising a child and far less painful than birth or everything else after that.
First of all, clock is ticking girl. Abortion is an option? Yes but it has a time frame so the better you confirm you are or not pregnant, if so, how many weeks it becomes crucial. Second, abortion in Japan requires the signature of the father to be (so it’s not something you can only decide yourself). This is bureaucratically speaking. On the same line, the baby of born can only be recognized as Japanese if the father acknowledges the baby and adds the baby to his Koseki. If not, the baby would only be the nationality you are and become a foreigner = requires a visa to stay in Japan (a dependent visa) which, usually students cannot sponsor a dependent visa unless frequently you are in a masters or a PhD.
Secondly and most important, your boyfriend saying he would be responsible and being married goes between the lines of what I mentioned about bureaucracy and it is important. Yet, if you both are young I believe it might be a very tough yet not impossible path to take. Yet, unfortunately no one in this group can give you an answer on what to do. Besides, do what it lets you live at peace and sleep at night with or without the boyfriend in your life. Happy mom= happy baby (mentally and physically)
I’d say before the uni counselor (as this might be above their experience on how to advice you), I’d try to reach out to whatever help your embassy and city hall might offer as guidelines (psychologists, lawyers, parent groups….), as well as maybe a community support from your own country (moms group on Facebook??) they could give a closer input to what is familiar to you. Also, sit down with the boyfriend and talk realistically (feelings a side) if they want to become a parent because having kids and being a parent oddly are very different concepts. (Having a kid does not imply being there for the baby to guide and care. It seems obvious but it’s not to many)
Lastly, don’t be afraid if becoming a mom is something you want you could. And study down the line is also possible. In case you don’t proceed there are also tons of supports groups so you are not alone either path you take. But do sit down and see the whole picture carefully making yourself the top priority as the one that goes through pregnancy, postpartum, and baby main caregiver is the mom in the newborn stage.
Try to take a test first. There’s a chance of you not being pregnant as well. If you are pregnant and decide to keep the baby, all of your next steps in life need to ensure that your child has the best possible life.
1) what can your boyfriend do to provide for your family?
2) after birth, will you finish up your degree?
3) worst possible case scenario, are you okay with being a single mother raising a child in Japan?
Hopefully #3 won’t happen but there’s always a possibility of becoming a single mother. Whether you are married or not. And regardless of any promises made before hand. Unfortunate things can happen so it’s VITAL to think clearly about all of these things. Abortion is an option for you which might feel traumatic (I really hear you on this one) but at least you will save that child from an unstable upbringing and plan a better future for you and your boyfriend.
You’re so young OP and your life is just starting! I wish nothing but the best for you <3
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As a father of 2, that’s gone through miscarriage, I can’t understand the pain of terminating. However, you’re only 20, you’re basically a kid too. Enjoy being young and free. Consider your options strongly. You have time.
Hi, old crusty man here.
Don’t panic. I’m sure you’re going a million miles an hour right now with what ifs. Go to your local pharmacy and buy a pregnancy test. After that you’ll have a better idea of what to do. In the meantime some words for you.
You’re going to get through this. This is normal and happens to many many people. Whatever you decide to do will be the right thing. You’ll finish school (regardless of what you do I cannot emphasize this enough, finish school), you’ll keep the baby or not, you’ll get a career, maybe you’ll marry baby daddy maybe not it’s entirely up to you and him. Just remember that while overwhelming you’ll get through it. Nobody is ever really ready to be a parent (and I was 31 with an established career when my oldest was born – still not ready), whatever the situation and whatever you decide to do you’re going to be okay, you got this.
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