Just got back from a family gathering at my wife’s brother’s place and I’m honestly wiped.
It wasn’t total silence the adults were talking but only within one circle my wife’s brother and his wife’s side of the family. Conversations stayed almost entirely between them.
Meanwhile:
- I was basically ignored
- My wife was ignored
- Even their own father was mostly ignored
It wasn’t openly hostile or rude. No arguments, no tension. Just a very clear in-group / out-group split where no effort was made to include the people outside the main conversational core.
My wife later described it as being 放置されてた / ほっとかれてた, which felt accurate. You’re there, but no one really acknowledges you beyond surface politeness.
At one point they asked me why I wasn’t drinking. I said health reasons and that alcohol isn’t great for your body. That answer didn’t land smoothly cue the familiar awkward pause and after that there was even less engagement.
The whole experience felt like:
- You’re expected to show up
- Presence alone fulfills the obligation
- Conversation is optional and selective
- If you’re not part of the main family side, you just… exist quietly
What made it worse was watching my wife get sidelined too. It wasn’t just “foreign husband awkwardness” she was also excluded from the main flow, which made the whole thing feel colder and more pointless.
I understand that in Japan these gatherings are often about being there rather than interacting, and that people avoid forcing conversation. But when engagement only flows one way, it starts to feel less like “politeness” and more like quiet exclusion.
Not really asking for advice more curious how common this is:
- Do people just tolerate this long-term?
- Or do you eventually start limiting how much time you spend in these situations?
Would be interested to hear if others have had similar experiences with extended family dynamics like this.
by AdUnfair558