Hi guys, you might remember me from a Reddit post a few months back lamenting the situation with my wife. I thought I’d just share how that’s progressed and turn to my caring community yet again to see if anyone’s facing similar logistical/legal challenges and how they came through.
I live with my wife and two young children (ages 6 and 3) in south Aichi. My wife has had severe mental problems that intensified over the past few years to the point where she wasn’t able to leave her bed for weeks at a time. This usually peaks during winter. Even during a good phase, which she achieved by lowering her remote-work hours to 2 hours per day, I observed that she was repeatedly late for her 10am start. This is while both kids were at school. When I would come home for a short break from work, she’d either be sleeping, smoking, or playing the violin. She has never sought diagnosis for this problem.
Update:
Great news – she has renewed energy and even wakes up in the morning these days.
Bad news – her energy seems to be fuelled by her new plan – which is to relocate with the children to Hiroshima this summer.
I am not opposed in principle to living separately after all the issues we’ve had over the years. But I am very concerned that a relocation of this distance (Aichi to Hiroshima) would destroy my relationships with the kids. The travel time and expense just seems completely unsustainable if I’m already paying child support.
Tbh I also feel completely used. I have been a foul-weather friend for years now and was the only thing keeping the family afloat – working and rushing home every few hours to check on her (our apartment is on the campus where I work), taking care of the kids when she couldn’t even get up, and so much more. Aiding her recovery has come at a huge cost. She would argue, however, that her condition was my fault in the first place.
Why Hiroshima you might ask? She has crafted a few reasons of her own, like apparently a good education system? And being a tourist location, stronger economy? These seem tacked on. Primarily, and she admits this herself, it is because she wants to escape from her hometown. She has bad memories from her childhood that she wants to get away from. She wants to experience autonomy. She wants a fresh start.
On the other hand… Our apartment is heavily subsidised here, it is a great environment for kids (our daughters play with my coworkers' kids inside the gates of a school campus freely, it is unparalleled convenience and security), and my salary would be extremely difficult to match at another school.
She is beginning to put together a story that indicates that she has expressed to me her desire for this escape since before we were even married. I’m not having it. We met in this area and have only moved in this area since then. Yes we’ve talked about long-distance relocations together, but ultimately reality gets in the way, i.e. money. We moved to my workplace apartments 4 years ago (which are idyllic as hard as that may be to imagine) and my career took off, the kids settled… One look at our apartment would indicate we plan to stay here long-term.
As harsh as it sounds, my ideal scenario would be for her to leave on her own. I have a wealth of experience at single-parenting by now. But of course, she can’t bear to abandon her own kids. Another option would be for my wife and kids to relocate somewhere closer, like Nagoya or even a neighbouring prefecture. She won’t budge on Hiroshima. That’s surely a point where legality comes into it.
When I told my wife I was seeing a lawyer and suggested pursuing family court mediation (chotei) she freaked out and said that is tantamount to an attack. She has memories of her own parents using it and described it as a “waste of time and money”. My consultation booked at Nagoya International Law Office will take place soon and I am personally shitting myself about hearing the reality of my situation.
I love my little girls so much, and the prospect of travelling such a huge distance just to take them to a restaurant for a few hours is heartbreaking. This is where it gets complicated – my wife reassures me that I could actually stay in her house for the weekend and keep the relationship with the kids going that way. First of all, how weird would that be! Secondly, none of this would be formally contractualized or anything. I would be at her whim. She says if I’m concerned about that I should leave my precious job and move to Hiroshima too (living separately to her). So I’d quit my fulfilling job, take a huge salary cut, leave my subsidised apartment for a 1DK, and pay her child support. I can’t imagine a much more miserable situation.
And in a long-distance situation the situation with her mother gives me little hope – we used to see her every few weeks, even travelled together when they got along well. She only lives 10 minutes away. But a couple of loose comments from her about 2 years ago (you know how おばあさん can be) and my wife basically called quits on their relationship. We’ve seen her about once per year since then. My wife ignores heartfelt messages from her mother about seeing her grandkids. I would be a total fool to trust my wife to keep her word on visitation rights in this situation and she’d be perfectly leveraged to call the shots.
Having been so active in the kids’ lives since they were born, I can’t imagine settling for anything less than my wife/kids being 1-2 hours drive away, and the kids spending one big weekend (Fri-Sun) every month at MY apartment. Surely, bathtime, bedtime, etc. is where the real depth of a parent’s relationship is, rather than being an infrequent visitor from afar. I’ve said this to my wife, but she refuses to let them “ever come back here” in the scenario she’s imagining. She cites maintaining connection with their old home would psychologically hinder their adjustment to their new location. Maybe there’s something in that. But surely, surely the relationship with the parent takes precedence.
We have hardly any money to even pay for this move. But not to worry – my wife said she’s planning to use my summer bonus for it. I almost laugh sometimes during these discussions. I wouldn’t treat my worst enemy this way.
As you can tell from my tone, this is mostly a vent. I repeat, I AM getting legal help for this and not lazily relying on advice from strangers, but couldn’t help but share my sob story. Perhaps someone’s been through something similar? I’d be happy to update this story a few months down the track if it is of use to anyone.
by schokoladehomunculus