Honeymoon Period is Over :(

(Using a burner for this)

Not really saying anything profound here, I’m definitely not the first jet to feel this way and definitely not the last. But I just needed to admit that the post-arrival depression is starting to hit me bad. I’ve been to Japan twice before, so it’s crazy that culture shock is hitting me this hard, especially after just a month and a half. It’s a mix of culture shock, imposter syndrome, and isolation I think.

I originally applied as a CIR, was accepted as an ALT, and I’m so glad they made that decision lol. My Japanese has gotten so rusty and I’m trying to get back to my former level, but I just feel like whatever I do isn’t enough. I just feel like an idiot and overthink every social interaction I’ve had, and those negative thoughts in my head are keeping me from progressing or motivating myself. I just don’t know how to get rid of them.

I don’t usually get homesick; I’m a recent university graduate and spent the last four years several states away from my family for school. I went abroad for a semester. I was fine. But my birthday is in less than a week and that’s kind of been messing with me a bit, since this is the farthest I’ve ever been from my family this time of year.

I’m not used to the thin walls; I recently received a noise complaint from a neighbor and have made deliberate efforts to be quiet as a mouse ever since (e.g., using headphones instead of playing music out loud, being quieter on phone calls, etc) but I’m lowkey scared of my neighbor and afraid he hates me and will see me as one of those foreigners. With the rise in anti foreigner sentiment rn I can’t help but overthink every interaction I’ve had with a Japanese person, paranoid I’m making a horrible impression.

I just feel like I’m taking up so much space, both physically and socially. I feel like such a burden to everyone around me and I don’t know how to get rid of these thoughts. I’m sure it’ll pass but it hurts so much.

EDIT: Thank you all for such genuine words of encouragement. Today was a better day than yesterday (which sparked a lot of the feelings that drove me to make this post) and while I still am experiencing many of these feelings, I’ve been reading everyone’s comments and taking you guys’ advice. I’m going to take it day by day. It’s only my first year after all, and I understand that culture shock isn’t something that instantly goes away. But I am so deeply grateful for all of you for being vulnerable enough to share your experiences and offer strategies for how to overcome these feelings. You all are amazing ✨