I moved to Japan for work, and honestly, I love almost everything about living here, the culture, the people, the food, the etiquette, all of it. But there’s one thing that really holds me back: the fear of getting cheated on.
I’ve gone on dates with a few Japanese girls, all of them were great, respectful, and had their own things going on. But since those were only 3 to 4 dates each, I can’t really form a fair opinion about relationships here in general. None of my friends, including my Japanese friends, cheat, in fact, one of them is in a really serious and healthy relationship.
Still, I can’t shake off this fear. I’ve never cheated on anyone, but I have been cheated on once. Instead of letting it destroy me, I just accepted it, distanced myself from her, and moved on. My life’s been going great since then, but that experience left me cautious, maybe too cautious.
Now, whenever I think about dating seriously again, especially here in Japan, that fear creeps back in. I know not everyone’s the same, but it’s hard to convince myself to take that leap again.
by Mean_Mach
21 comments
How did you manage to get so many dates with such a lack of self confidence?
>Instead of letting it destroy me, I just accepted it, distanced myself from her, and moved on.
Sounds like it’s still affecting you. Perhaps you can find a competent professional to discuss this with.
Alternatively maybe the women you’re dating are sending you signals that they’re not as serious about a committed relationship as you are. In which case maybe you should evaluate what it is about those women that is attracting you to them and what characteristics you really want in a partner and try to close that gap.
>instead of letting it destroy me, I just accepted it…
But did you though? It seems like it’s destroying your ability to just live and enjoy new relationships currently.
I don’t think this is a “Japan” problem.
Dont date club girls. Use common sense. The people that cheat in your country do it here.
Also people here have different definitions of this stuff.
Ill give an example: i had a gf that had a drunk guy basically sexually assault her. She went along with it to make it end faster but she considered that cheating. I consider her a victim.
Dont let fear run your life and use common sense.
The women here are respectful, kind, and and usually open about everything (from what i’ve experienced, not saying cheating isn’t a possibility) but from the people i’ve dated, the first told me that she just didn’t feel it and we left on good terms. Happy and still friends! The second one stayed happily. From what I’ve heard too, many of the people you talk to here will be honest with their feelings. Caution is okay but too much is gonna drive you mad with insecurity. Stay positive and i’m sorry for what happened before 🙁 Hopefully the next woman will treat you right and get you back on your feet forever 🫶🏼
During the early stages of a relationship you REALLY shouldn’t be terrified of being cheated on. Some people just aren’t compatible with one another. It is better that someone decides you aren’t for them early and moves on rather than getting into a committed relationship and having it happen.
You need to remove the “cheating” from your thoughts.. you won’t be able to enjoy any relationship with a Japanese woman by having this thought in the back of your head. This is not a thing across all Japanese woman.. also you could also discuss this topic on a date to see there views on it. My Japanese partner actually was the one who brought up to me actually and asked if Australian men cheat a lot lol
gaijin hunters will eventually find you.
So, fix your way of thinking (therapy) or focus on aspects of your life other than dating. You don’t need to be in a relationship to be happy.
Consider the possibility that you just need to keep going and meet more people. If things don’t take off, that just means that you can move on until you find a match that does. And it’s hard, I acknowledge that, but you either keep trying or settle into being single (which isn’t bad, it suits a lot of people). You also never know when the right person will show up or how or when.
In the summer of 2016, I went on close to 40 first dates with women I met through various dating apps. A few times, more than one a day. Made a couple of friends that way, but just wound up burnt out and ready to commit wholly to being a permanent bachelor. But then I thought that maybe if my language skills were better, that might open up more opportunities, so I found a site that matches people for language exchange. Arranged to meet with someone, knowing nothing about her besides “30s office worker” and then this lovely woman shows up. She’s now my wife.
Life is weird and unpredictable. Sometimes people are shitty. I had a hard time trusting after getting cheated on in two consecutive relationships, but in time, I realized the person I was with just wasn’t like that. But it took time to grow enough to accept that. It took time to trust.
Look for good in the world and you’ll eventually find it. And don’t be too hard on yourself in the mean time. None of this is easy.
As you said, since you moved to Japan for work, focus on work first and build your career. 22 is still a long way to go, relationship will come naturally unless you are actively avoiding it.
Also, you won’t be able to judge whether your Japanese friends cheat or not. Why would they tell you anyway. Even if they told you, how would you know they were telling the truth. I’ve even heard few times on various occasions that, in rare cases, family pretended not to know that their spouse cheat just to avoid social pressure due to divorce, especially if their spouse is the only breadwinner in the family. Take it with a grain of salt.
Regardless of any country, anything can happen in a relationship and you have to be open to those things occurring if you want to take that relationship on. Relationships are built on trust, if you can’t trust then don’t bother. This is where you’re at: It’s not a them problem, it’s a you problem, get over that anxiety.
The purpose of dating is to understand if you like the person and can trust them; if you can’t, don’t date them. That’s why you don’t seriously date someone you had a one-time hook up from the bar. That’s why the typical Japanese dating setup is meeting with friends, doing lots of activities together and getting to know one another on a friendly basis before becoming more.
You moved on, but you’re letting it destroy you now. Don’t let the fear of being cheated on erase the once in a lifetime chance to meet someone special.
Don’t use internet for anything and everything. Also Japanese or whatever, people are humans. Some will cheat, some won’t. Same everywhere. Get out of here and try dating, fail or succeed. But leave internet
I understand that you’re afraid to get cheated on, but I’m rereading your post to understand why “especially in Japan”.
I can understand it can hurt, but at the same time I feel people need to stop putting so much emotion into what people do with their bodies. I have been here since I was young So I have mainly only dated people here and don’t have much experience with anything else. I do feel though that the way of thinking about it here is better for your mental health. A majority will cheat in some way at some point, especially when it comes to longer marriages, so putting all your emotions into it just sets you up for failure.
Seems to me that you’ve not moved past anything; you’re fooling yourself. You’ve not successfully moved past anything, but instead you’ve buried your feelings and they’re controlling you.
It’s not a Japan problem, it’s a you problem.
cheaters are not exclusive in japan. you will find cheaters everywhere. but there are perception cheating is more tolerable until marriage. for affair with someone that is married, there are monetary fine as compensation
Talk to a good, licensed therapist about this.
I’ve actually seen a whole lot of cheating since I moved here, but I still trust that my girlfriend wouldn’t cheat on me because I’ve dated her long enough to understand her personality and know her to be honest with a strong disdain for liars and cheaters and a good sense of personal responsibility. If instead she cheated or indicated she was untrustworthy early in the relationship (which untrustworthy people will usually do at some point), then that’s fine, I would’ve just left. Failed short-term relationships might seem like a lot of emotional damage now but in the long run, it’s not really a big deal.
Hate to break it to you, but anyone from any ethnicity can cheat. My advice is approach dating casually, but don’t get intimate until you feel like there is a strong connection. Don’t force anything either. Just let it happen. Be comfortable in accepting you can not control other’s behaviors, just your own and how you react.
Also, I recommend on getting a good hobby and career. There’s no point in starting a relationship with someone if you do not have a game plan for life and goals.
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