Hi everyone,
I (M, foreigner living in Japan) need an outside perspective, especially from people dating Japanese partners or who understand the culture here.
My girlfriend (Japanese) and I had plans to spend Christmas and New Year together. Nothing was officially booked yet. It was more something we both looked forward to. Recently, my parents confirmed they bought their tickets to Japan to visit me from December 24 to January 5. I didn’t choose the dates. They bought the tickets before telling me, despite my objections, because this was the only time they could take leave.
When I found out, I felt sad too.
I know how important Christmas and New Year are here for my girlfriend and in general for couples in Japan. I was also looking forward to spending that time with her.
I tried to find balance, so I booked trips for us on different dates, I planned other activities just for us, and I explained that I’m not replacing her with my parents. I just need to spend time with them since they’re coming from across the world.
But when I told her, everything blew up.
She started accusing my parents of wanting to break our relationship.
She said things like:
“普通来ないでしょ？そんな大事な日に” (“Normally they wouldn’t come at such an important time.”)
And that there are “many other days” they could have chosen (as if they intentionally wanted to ruin things).
Then she escalated and started insulting my parents personally, implying they are disrespectful and interfering. She kept sending angry messages, trying to drag the argument further. I told her we can talk about our feelings, but talking badly about my parents is the one thing I won’t tolerate.
She continued anyway.
At that point I stopped responding because she was just throwing emotional poison and trying to escalate it into a fight.
So my question to all of you, is this kind of reaction normal or somewhat culturally common in Japan (Christmas/New Year as a “couple-only” sacred time)?
Or is this just emotionally immature / toxic behavior regardless of culture?
Have any of you dated someone in Japan who reacted this strongly to holiday plans?
Is this “Japanese culture,” or is this just her?
Thanks for any perspective.
Edit: I just noticed that the title was cut off. My apologies. The full title is, "Is this cultural (Japan) or just toxic? Need perspective: girlfriend became furious that my parents are visiting during Christmas/New Year."
by Sensitive-Ticket-781
42 comments
obviously not a cultural thing. i would be glad if such behavior showed up at the dating stage tho. will make it easier to make some decisions.
Red flag
> Is this cultural or just toxic?
These two aren’t mutually exclusive.
Even IF it was cultural, still sounds awful. Something being cultural doesn’t make it above being called out as shitty behavior.
Your girlfriend is crazy. You should remind her that for people outside Japan, this is not an important time for couples. Also, in Japan, New Year is not a “couples” holiday. Does she not have a good relationship with her family? Is she not visiting them for the new year?
Shes being toxic and thats not on to be insulting your parents. Yea Christmas is seen as a couples day in Japan but New years time isnt lmao its literally when Japanese leave Tokyo (or where ever) to go to spend with their families.
She should also understand outside of Japan Christmas is a family holiday, if she wants a cross cultural relationship. However she sounds like shes a bit of a loss cannon tbh
New Year is a family holiday in Japan. Many people go back to their families— it’s not a “couples holiday.”
Your girlfriend is being unreasonable, and more than that, she’s being mean and rude.
Seems to incline towards histrionic and toxic. There are no implied times that couples have to do together. In my 10 years in Japan and dating through a lot of those December’s, Christmas is a non event culturally (economically they love it) but New Years is the big one. Out of interest, did she invited you to her family Osho gatsu event? I would imagine not until she decides she wants to wed you. However it is a cultural point of reference that you could use to equate time with your parents as being the most important thing.
Just personally, she’s throwing lots of red flags. She lacks empathy, she’s destructive and argumentative.
DANGER WILL ROBINSON! DANGER!
“Normally they wouldn’t come at such an important time”
Is she not aware that you’re a foreigner and for foreigners Christmas is a time for families and not dates?
I’m just gonna echo what the others have said. She’s being wildly non understanding, selfish, close minded and toxic. Do with that information what you will.
Yeah you need to explain and probably even show her proof online that Christmas in western culture is based on family, not couples. She needs to learn to balance the expectation of both cultures instead of only expecting her own.
Sorry not sorry but your girlfriend is not right in the head and sounds incredibly toxic.
I’m sure many others will address the fact that this is clearly not normal behavior from your girlfriend…
But I want to talk about the fact that your parents just booked tickets to come see you without telling you and despite objections. As someone who has had this been done to them before, this shit really pisses me off. I want to ask…. is THAT normal behavior? You’ve been disrespected by not only your girlfriend, but also your parents. Ugh this post is triggering. Anyone else had this?
Dump that bih
This is what incredibly selfish and immature… and a definite red flag…. She should be happy she can meet your parents and they’re visiting..
It’s only fair that if you’re respecting her culture, she should respect yours. As others have said it’s a big red flag that she reacts violently and irrationally — it probably won’t be the last time and maybe worse later. Yes it is immature behavior.
She might have assumed that people who have the “common sense” to not do this. (Japanese people would). But she’s dating a foreign person and could have applied common sense herself to know that people think differently.
People in Japanese companies also find it really hard to get leave – so I understand why she got upset.
Insulting parents however is a red flag. You already know this is not a cultural norm. Japanese people don’t insult other people’s parents.
One of the biggest mistakes I see people new to Japan make is dismissing personality disorders in their partner as ✨Cultural Differences✨.
Don’t make this mistake.
No ur gf is the problem. Not a cultural issue, long term it will be an issue. Worst part in long term is that she will treat ur parents issue as none of her business.
not a cultural thing imo. My gf (now wife) was super understanding when I had to go Solo around xmas/new years to visit family overseas a couple of times in past
This is a her issue
edit:
just wanted to add the xmas is a couples time together here (so maybe spend that with her?)
New years is totally a family thing so her being so against your fam coming is super sus. I would be overjoyed if my family did this
Run far, far away from her. Christmas is nothing special and New Years is one of the two main family get together holidays. The fact she is acting like this is a huge red flag.
Christmas dates are a thing but they sure as hell haven’t ever been deal breakers for people I have dated here. Is she young? I can see a University student may be getting this reaction, but if it’s someone older than 22 then that’s a red flag.
0% cultural, 100% toxic.
She sounds extremely immature. When I was dating my boyfriend, now husband – my mum came over to visit that year. He spent complain at all. In fact, he took us out for dinner and totally understood that she had travelled over 3000km and we would like to spend some time together. No complaints. No insults.
My advice is to move on. Her behavior is too much.
Yeah, that’s not a cultural thing. Just… toxic.
Being mildly annoyed at inopportune family visits is normal but insulting them directly and repeatedly is not a good sign. Does she usually have anger issues?
Your gf is an idiot, dump her ass. This is not a red flag, this is a fucking full red giant sail with flashing red lights on top of it.
Nah, she’s toxic af. Honestly, I wouldn’t mind if it happened to my bf. I’d actually love to meet and hang out with his parents because when a serious relationship progresses to marriage, they’ll become my family too. And even if it doesn’t I’d still want to meet and hangout with them.
Personally, back in my home country Christmas is about spending time with family not a couple thing. She should think outside of her “Japan culture” especially you’re a foreigner
While i agree with all teh other comments about your GF. I think it’s pretty inconsiderate of your parents to not discuss with you first before buying tickets to visit you. That is a entirely different issue about boundaries you need to discuss with your parents.
Also, that is a shit time to visit japan. Everywhere will be closed.
Is she a teenager? This isn’t normal at all
Get a backbone and stand up to her.
I hate seeing foreign men and women here being treated like dicks by their spouses and their only response is ‘it’s a culture barrier’. Dump her butt asap. Dont just let her apologize and sweep it under the rug because it will happen again.
Shes testing the boundaries to see how far she can drag you before you be a man and stand up to her.
You deserve better and your parent raised you better too.
She should be aware that it’s 普通に来ます for people outside Japan because they would want to be with family during important holidays like Christmas.
I think most (yes, even Japanese) would react differently to this. More like happy, anxious to meet your parents, maybe hesitate meeting them but not angry, or even help you plan your schedule.
Seems she’s not ready for a cross cultural relationship since she cannot think beyond what is considered the norm in JP. Red flag tbh.
RUN!!!!!!!!
If you don’t like the direction this is going then you should cut it off, BUT it sounds like both of you aren’t communicating well. I think if y’all could approach this more as a single unit rather than opposing sides you’d find your way through it.
Just reading this post left me with a few questions, like why would you go ahead and book everything without first talking to her about the situation?
And why wouldn’t you clarify that your parents didn’t know about your plans and therefore couldn’t conspire to ‘ruin’ anything.
Anyways, New Years is generally family time here while Christmas is couple’s time. Kind of the opposite of the west. I don’t think it’d be so foreign to her that another culture could look at those two differently but maybe you tried to get that across and it didn’t work.
Anyways, insulting your parents is shitty but only you can decide if you want to work through this tangle to understand what might’ve led her to be like this. It’s likely some past experience or relationship, feelings of abandonment, issues with her own parents, etc. Generally, people are rational and if you think it’s worth it you can spend the energy to figure out what’s really going on here.
toxic, just run away bro. holy shit. this is not Japanese culture at all.
While your parents were in the wrong for making plans without consulting you, it’s also a bad sign that your girlfriend seems to see your own parents as rivals for your attention, especially after you bent over backwards to make something work for both parties.
The fact that she’s not even trying to be understanding despite your being placed in this awkward situation against your will, does not bode well for her prospects as a future partner.
Bro, run for your life and don’t look back. Enjoy your parents’ visit and find another woman to share your life with.
Nah dude, your girlfriend is just nuts.
Get rid of her. She is super-toxic. Red banner across the horizon!! She is insane. This controlling unreasonable nature is just the top of the iceberg. She will cause you a lifetime of Hurt and Pain if you get further connected.
This is NOT cultural. She is crazy.
(Disclaimer: happily married to Japanese partner for more than thirty years. She would never have reacted in such a way.)
As someone who is both Japanese & white, grew up in both cultures, this is RED FLAG GALORE!!
Your gf is immature but also, your parent should’ve checked with you beforehand. It’s an unfortunate situation for you.
> Or is this just emotionally immature / toxic behavior regardless of culture?
YES.
Basic Japanese culture shit is: Christmas is either meant for couples or for kids, but really it’s a just a romantic gesture. New Years is for family; you go to the shrine in the morning, relax with family after for a few days, eat shitty celebration food.
Your girlfriend is literally saying, “Don’t value your parents over me, Me me me.” Especially considering that you RARELY see your parents. Like your parents are thinking, “I haven’t seen my son for (insert time), I want to take the chance to see him no matter what” and your girlfriend is like, “NO, ONLY ME”.
**In a healthy relationship, you should never be afraid to find time to spend with your family or close friends. Your partner should respect your wishes the same as you’d respect theirs.**
It’s partially cultural, partially ignorance (on your gf’s part), but definitely an over reaction.
In Japan, Christmas is very much a couples holiday. And there’s kind of a social stigma associated with being single during Christmas, or having to spend Christmas alone. So she probably feels like she was abandoned or betrayed, moreso than if you had done the same thing with a western girl.
That said, your gf should understand that that’s not how it works in other countries *where Christmas is from* (key point here).
Explain to her that Christmas is a religious holiday, and is also a *family* holiday.
If she’s like, 20, maybe I’d give it a pass, because Japanese people are quite culturally sheltered. If she’s over 25 I’d be a bit concerned. Over 30, major red flag.
Disclaimer: this is from someone who is married to a woman who happens to be Japanese.
First I gotta ask: Did you “try to find balance and book trips” on your own or did you immediately communicate with your girlfriend and come to that conclusion together? It sounds like you might have thought that was a reasonable solution but not actually address her feelings and that much is on you.
That said, her insulting your parents and overthinking their wanting to see you for wanting to destroy your relationship ship is a whole red flag.
If she can’t understand there are cultural differences for how situations are perceived (IE: your parents viewing the holidays as a time for family rather than couples) then I assure you there will be many more unhinged arguments to come.
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